The Living Centrifuge

Oh, I'm the most woeful coward I know. I used my friend as an excuse to look at Ben's profile on Manhunt Dot Net today. He's deleting his profile soon, since he's spending too much time on the internet, and not enough time in real life. Ah. I don't need to know anything about him anymore.

At Spadina station today, I was walking down the long corridor to the northbound platform, and there was a young man hunched over, with his hand shielding his face. I walked near to him - because I wondered if he needed assistance. Then, he uncovered his face, and he was talking on his phone, and crying openly. I had a moment of indecision, then veered away from him, and walked on. About half-way down the corridor, I stopped. I felt I should go back. I looked back. He was still there. Then I walked on. On the northbound platform, I thought I should go back and see if he needed someone to sit with him, and my train pulled up, I got up, and boarded, and went home. I felt like I couldn't reach out, because it might be too risky. I'm disgusted with my behaviour. I have acted worse than Ben.

21 December, 2005

Hi Majid,

I don’t in fact have much internet access while here in Toronto, but I brought my computer with me, and thought I might take you up on your offer of writing about the vacation.

First, I have to say I loooooove Timothy Findlay. I haven’t read any of his novels yet, but I love his plays. He’s a very compelling writer. Have you seen or read his play Elizabeth Rex? It’s heartbraking and beautiful. Also, Not Wanted on the Voyage has been on my reading list for too long now. I’ll need to pick it up. I think once I return to Vancouver, I will get it from the library at the end of my street.

I was also interested to hear that you’re reading a Japanese author at the moment. Is Hiroshima on the Shore in fact dealing with Hiroshima and the bomb? The dance form in which I’m working is called butoh (have you heard about this before?), which is a Japanese dance-theatre discipline that is said to be “born of the ashes of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.” I feel impelled toward this form, because its imagery addresses so much of my current horror and exhaustion with our own governments, and with the state of humanity in general. Butoh began because post-WWII Japanese artists felt that the traditional forms of Noh and Kabuki couldn’t encompass how they felt after the events of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I feel like my current impulse in the world is to hide under my bed, and stay there for the rest of my life, but that precludes making art, and so as an artist I am attracted to forms that address how terrified I am by humans.

I’m reading the letters of Thomas Merton at the moment. He was a 20th Century Benedictine monk who was based in Kentucky, and whose ecumenical bent and vociferousness against nuclear war, Vietnam, and for love among humans has made him one of the most influential Christians and Catholics of the last 100 years. He sounds like a bit of a giant, but then you read his letters, and he calls himself a big dumb phony a lot, and is very conversational and relaxed with his correspondents. It’s refreshing, and I’m finding a lot in it that compells me. Next on my list is The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, although I might have to read something a little lighter in between. I just finished the fourth book in a series of novels by Jasper Fforde. The main character is able to read herself into books, and in the real world she inhabits, the Crimean War has been running for 137 years, there are no airplanes, people get around by dirigibles (!), wooly mammoths and dodos have been brought back from extinction through cloning technology, and the society is super-literate. It’s very funny stuff. Not too taxing, and lets a smarty-pants reader feel very clever. Sort of a series of post-modern pulp novels. The first one in the series is called the Eyre Affair. It’s fun for a light read. However, now I’ve finished the series, and need to find something else that’s less taxing than CHRISTIAN LITERATURE is. Not that C.S. Lewis is not satisfying, but I feel like Merton then Lewis might be overdoing it, especially since before Merton, I read a bit of Paradise Lost, and then before that, re-read the Divine Comedy (the show I’m working on is loosely based on the it). It’s all just a little much theology for one three month period, even though it’s been interspersed with a bunch of other books. Oh! Have you read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell yet? It’s good stuff. Once again, another one of those yummy novels where the fantasy world is only slightly different from our world. In this case, the critical difference is that magic exists in 19th Century England. Yum.

Alright, now about the vacation (whew!): I’m enjoying it so far. I’ve only been here for two days, but so far so good. I’m staying with my dad, which is always fun and interesting. I’ve been living on my own for nearly 9 years, and whenever I stay with my dad, he won’t let me do things like lift my suitcase, and he constantly reminds me to wear my scarf and hat. I think this will be the case for my whole life. It’s very funny, and also endearing. They’re the sort of things that can sometimes be frustrating, but also, they’re simple little gestures that remind me that my father loves me and cares about me so much that he can’t keep it inside. I think that’s worth enduring a little frustration. My best friend and I also have seen one another a couple of times already (we’re sewn together at the hip, which makes dance class very challenging), and will see one another a LOT more before I depart.

I went to a dance class this morning, which was okay. Not as good as the ones I attend in Vancouver, but it was alright. I’m used to almost constant movement for 1.5 hours and this class was a lot lot lot of talking and marking through exercises, instead of actually doing them. I had a light perspiration going, but I’m used to being a puddle by the end of class. I found myself wanting more from it. However, it’s the only class that’s running while I’m here. Everyone else is shut down for the whole month of December, and half of January, it seems. These would probably be the classes I’d take if I lived in Toronto anyway, so it’s alright. I’m going to have to take responsibility for my own activity in that week between Christmas and New Year, since there are no classes running at all during that time.

Tomorrow is going to be good, I think. Dance class again, then relaxation, then am going out to a pub with a bunch of friends who protest that they miss me very much. I’m looking forward to seeing these people. They’re theatre people that I like, and with whom I’ve built a long lasting relationship. This is exciting for me.

In the past couple of days I’ve been passing landmarks that remind me of my ex. Geh. This is no fun. I’ve been doing very well around that whole thing, in fact. I spoke with my sister yesterday, telling her that he’d broken up with me over MSN messenger, and she made a characteristic face that made me laugh and say “how ridiculous that whole fiasco was,” but still, when I passed a restaurant where we had lunch, I got a little pang, and found myself a little possessed as I passed by his neighbourhood on a way to a meeting today. I’m glad that we have such different geographical attractors – that we don’t move in the same circles. I live uptown, he lives downtown (in the gay village – not one of my areas in Toronto), it means that I’m almost certain not to see him with his new beau while I’m here. I’m sure I’d have the energy and grace to be…..gracious if I did see him, but I’d rather just let him be gone from my mind altogether. However, I believe that this whole thing has occurred for learning on all sides: for me, I feel like I have to be unremittingly honest with myself about the man that I am seeing. Before we had broken up, I had thought about it, and thought that if I had to make the choice, I would choose my performance career over him, hands down. However, I still cultivated this attachment to a life with him – a picket fence life – and it was the loss of that that I felt so keenly when he told me he had fallen for someone else. That, and als o the fact that I was not courageous enough to tell him I loved him as soon as I felt it to be the case. As terrifying as honesty is, especially with oneself, I feel that I have to live in that way, if I’m to be satisfied with myself in any small way whatsoever. That’s it for now. I’ll write more later, and send it to you in large, unwieldly blocks as I can.

Matthew



23 December, 2005

Hiya,

I hope you are doing well in Vancouver. I don’t think I realised how different Vancouver and Toronto actually are until I returned here. No wonder everyone is so active and relaxed on the west coast. It’s so crowded and concrete here, and so spacious and green there. Before I left for Vancouver, I had cultivated an acceptance of Toronto’s cityscape, but now, it’s gone again. Before Toronto, I’d lived in Ottawa for a few years, and become used to its beauty, friendliness, and the breathing space that one has while going about one’s day. On return to Toronto, I had a very hard time readjusting to its pace, and just the general personality of the city. However, I came to a point where I felt that “home” involved being comfortable in my own skin, and had less to do with my location. I still feel this way, but coming back to Toronto has reminded me that I don’t particularly care for the city, except insofar as it can provide me with what I need artistically (a good group of fellow artists, exciting performance opportunities and the like).

Anyway, I’ve finished Christmas shopping today (whew!). I went out with friends last night, and got to see some people that I’ve missed pretty terribly, and who have missed me. I thought I would go to dance class this morning, but just slept in, and took the time to rest. It was a productive day despite the fact that I only left the house at about 1pm. I finished the Christmas shopping and errand running, and was back home by 4.30. My father just arrived home, and I think we’re going to be having dinner very soon. Tomorrow I’m meeting my sister at 4, when she’s finished work, and I’ll spend the night at her home, having Christmas dinner with her in-laws (with whom I lived in the first year that I returned to Toronto after living in Ottawa). They’re Czech, and my sister and her husband make fun of his mother’s cooking, but I love it. I so seldom have rich Eastern European food, and so it’s a great treat to have a massive meal at their house on Christmas. Then I’ll return to my father’s for Christmas day, and that’s all I have planned for now. I’m wanting to see some other friends during my time here, but I have no fast plans for that. Is this interesting for anyone but me?

Hopefully I will be able to send this letter to you tomorrow when I’m at my sister’s. They have internet access. I’m feeling a little internet starved.

Anyway, I hope you’re well, and I’ll talk with you soon, and hopefully meet you when I get back into town.

Regards,

Matthew

I am leaving tomorrow. I am leaving tomorrow. I am leaving tomorrow.

I went with the Persian to a singing Christmas tree show this evening. It was interesting. There were some moving bits. but the singing was interspersed with a really horrid and horridly acted CHRISTIAN STORY WITH A CHRISTIAN MESSAGE. Eep. It was pretty grim. I went with some friends of the Persian. One of the guys looked quite a bit like Ben, and then he took his hat off, and had the same hairline. Gah. I've been doing well. I guess I should expect little lapses from time to time. There's something to be said for such a short period of time that the relationship existed. It means really, that the ending, although tumultuous for me, is not so drawn out.

Here's more information from other sources on the Teacher, or ENFJ personality type.

Teachers bring all this infectious energy to their intimate relationships as well, and they make passionate and delightfully creative companions. However, at such close range the intensity of their wishes for their loved ones can create interpersonal conflict. Teachers can overwhelm their loved ones with their exuberance, and with their Pygmalion presumption that everyone wants to be helped along the path of self-discovery. Then, when their loved ones either resist their pressure or fail to meet their idealistic expectations, Teachers can feel frustrated, disillusioned, or even betrayed by the persons they care most about.


From another source:

ENFJs make warm, committed lovers who are willing to go to great lengths for the sake of "The Relationship". They're totally dedicated to the relationship, and to their partner, and have a special skill for warmth and affirmation which brings out the best in their mates. They take their commitments seriously, and are likely to put forth a lot of effort into making a relationship work once they have commited themselves to it. In the event that a relationship fails, the ENFJ will feel a lot of guilt, and take on blame for the failure, but they will move on with their lives with relative ease, without looking backwards.
Since relationships are central to the ENFJ's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, the ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they're likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a sexual encounter is the affirmation of love and affection.

Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they're able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

A problem area for ENFJs in relationships is their very serious dislike of conflict. ENFJs will prefer to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also likely to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFJ needs to realize that the world will not end if there is a disagreement, and that dealing with things immediately initiates closure. Ignoring issues will not make them go away.

In general, the ENFJ is intensely and enthusiastically involved in their personal relationships. They bring fun and warmth into the equation, and are willing to work hard to make things work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match.

And from the same site, but a different page:

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Extraverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Introverted Intuition
Tertiary: Extraverted Sensing
Inferior: Introverted Thinking

More:

Most of the weaker characteristics found in ENFJs are due to their dominant Extraverted Feeling overvaluing what they see as objective values in the external world and thereby judging too much by the needs of others, or by appearances. This is primarily due to the ENFJ having not fully adapted their Introverted Intuitive function sufficiently for them to be able to discern the vast range of ways in which they might be being missing the underlying needs within themselves and being misled by such appearances. The ENFJ naturally looks outward to find value and satisfaction, and whilst it is essential that this direction be taken to fulfil their primary needs of relation and comfort, without the supportive balance of a well developed Intuitive function, ENFJs can overvalue the external world to the point where they lose sight of themselves, becoming fixed in their judgements about people and the world. In such cases, the ENFJ will tend to live in a rigid - and to others, somewhat surreal - world of definite values which often seems “overstated” or obsessively connected to other people or human situations.

. Behind everything of value that you see lies much potential. Try not to be satisfied with just a good result, but let yourself imagine the ways in which a person might fulfil all their creative aspects; the ways in which a situation might become useful to many more than just what it was made for. Try to imagine everything as a source of untapped magic and creative power – let your mind see all the things it might become. Above all, apply this exercise to yourself, as if you were seeing yourself in a mirror: just as you would another person whom you love.

· When you are alone try to become fully aware of how it feels to you, try to recognise the emptiness as a place of potential, try to imagine what you might be able to do for others in this empty time, try to realise that you are not truly alone but with this special person who is yourself. What would you do for this person if you could make their private world a better place?

· Everything wonderful in life proceeds from the qualities which lie behind it. You can feel these things, these drives and attitudes which seem to come from a place outside, perhaps from the creator expressing himself within people and nature. Letting the sense of these background qualities permeate your drive to life will give you purpose and meaning. Allow yourself to feel the meanings and purposes of the world, let them become a valuable gift which can be expressed in your dealings with others and in the things you strive for.

This is uncannily accurate:
Also, it says INFJ is the best match for me. Heh.

ENFJ- The Teacher You scored 54% I to E, 15% N to S, 47% F to T, and 15% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population. You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously. Your group summary: idealists (NF) Your type summary: ENFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 68% on I to E You scored higher than 10% on N to S You scored higher than 48% on F to T You scored higher than 2% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The other thing I don't understand is that there appears to be NO interest in how we started. It was soooo good! Isn't that exciting? If it's true that he found something that good with someone else, than he's a lucky lucky lucky lucky man, to find that any more than once in any five or ten year period. FUCK!! Be done! And I wanted to look at my trash can on my computer to see if his picture was still there. Just to look at it. To look at him. I am not going to do it.

There. I just deleted the trash.

It was over 15 waking minutes before I thought of Ben today. This is good.

I keep imagining myself standing, and behind me is a group of all my friends and loved ones, and as I get punched in the gut by Ben (ie every time I think of him), my friends are there, ready to catch me and keep me on my feet. This is a good feeling, and is making the blows less and less strong. I'm on the mend. Still not healed by any stretch, but on the mend.

Grant gave me a foot care spa package as a CHRISTMAS PRESENT!! I was completely taken aback and pleasantly surprised. I care for him very much.

i'm a fountain of blood,
in the shape of that girl,
you're the bird on the brim hypnotized by the whirl,
drink me - make me feel renewd,
wet your beak in the stream,
game we're playing is life,
loves a two way dream,

leave me now - return tonight,
tide will show you to me,
if you forget my name,
you will go astray,
like a killer whale,
trapped in a bay,

i'm a path of cinders,
burning under your feet,
you're the one who walks me,
i'm your one way street...
i'm a whisper in the water,
secret for you to hear,
you're the one who grows distant,
when i beckon you near.

leave me now - return tonight,
the tide will show you to me,
if you forget my name,
you will go astray,
like a killer whale,
trapped in a bay.

i'm a tree that grows hearts,
one for each that you take,
you're the intruders hands,
i'm the branch that you break.

PS The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is the Book of Revelation

Re-reading that last post, an image comes to mind:

Ben fell away from me, taking with him a series of issues around intimacy. I don't know if it's true or not, but the image is strong.

The moon is low and bright and full in a light, wintry 4.30 sky. I'm listening to American Football, and thinking on Barbara's admonition that for communication to occur, the artist must transform.

I think I'm going to see Tilda Swinton being terrifying tonight.

I'm trying to breathe and appreciate my ability to feel through all of this. I think another facet of mourning in this case has to do with my excitement on how I was with him. That I was able to sleep in the same bed with him. That I was relatively uninhibited in our intimacy together. Those are in me. Although facilitated in my relations(not relations so much as the unfinished word "relationship") with him, they were my own "growings" or "breathings," ultimately independent of Ben, having more to do with a time ripe for a falling away of some of those issues than with Ben himself. I would be lying, however, if I said his relaxed attitude didn't help to facilitate those changes. But now that he's fallen away from me (I like that image), I am left with the fact that I changed.

Just had a conversation with Vancouver Boy (Massage Boy) who called me because he hadn't done in a few days. The efforts of my friends are greatly appreciated. He told me he called me because he'd been talking about me with someone at work (!) and had told her that I was the most put-together person he knows (!!) in that I have a passion, and I work to support myself and I know it and I have a good balance between alone time and time with friends and work time. It's amazing to see how other people see you. And other people who value you. It places something like....I don't know....a break-up, to take a completely random example, in perspective. There are people out there who like what my life is. Like what it has to offer.

Anyway.

I am a hollow husk of a human being. I'm supposed to be smart, but I just don't understand this. Didn't he know I loved him? Why has he done this? You know something is wrong when it's a success to be able to go grocery shopping. I can hardly even think of eating. Everything is a fight. I feel like I'm getting sucked down into some kind of sludge funnel. I want to believe that this exit in my life is making room for something else, but in this state, I don't know that I'd notice anything even if it shot me in the face.

The Persian came over last night, brought a peach pie and let me put my head in his lap, as a way of trying to cheer me up, but then he wanted to kiss me and it was just anathema to me. I like him. He's very nice, and he's very nice to me, and he's attractive, but I just feel so useless. I just want to waste away into nothing, or hurl myself out a window like a Christmas tree.

Knowing about the punishment is part of the punishment too.

"You can learn, but you can't be taught."

Barbara.

Another one for grand batements: "Matthew your musicality sucks"

how about $20? says: (5:15:33 PM)
how are you doing today?

dohn says: (5:16:10 PM)
I'm okay. I want to apologise.

how about $20? says: (5:16:43 PM)
to whom?

dohn says: (5:16:52 PM)
Heh, not to you.

how about $20? says: (5:17:03 PM)
oh, that's what I wasnt' sure of.

how about $20? says: (5:17:13 PM)
if you feel you want to apologise, you should do it.

how about $20? says: (5:17:19 PM)
it's good for the soul, if we really mean it.

dohn says: (5:17:37 PM)
I just don't think it will matter.

how about $20? says: (5:17:46 PM)
will it matter to you?

dohn says: (5:17:57 PM)
Yes. It's also scary. I'll do it.

dohn says: (5:21:33 PM)
Do you think a simple, "I'm sorry" would do?

how about $20? says: (5:21:49 PM)
:)

how about $20? says: (5:22:23 PM)
you do what you have to do. but make it the fullest, and most necessarily difficult thing you can.

dohn says: (5:22:45 PM)
geeze.

dohn says: (5:22:54 PM)
Wow, God boy!

how about $20? says: (5:23:12 PM)
what do you mean?

dohn says: (5:23:40 PM)
"make sure it hurts the most, make it hurt". Yeah, it's SO Catholic.

dohn says: (5:23:41 PM)
heh

how about $20? says: (5:23:52 PM)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

how about $20? says: (5:24:29 PM)
I just made people walking outside my window look into my apartment because I was laughing so loud.

dohn says: (5:24:38 PM)
heh, good.

how about $20? says: (5:24:44 PM)
I just need to embrace that I'm a crazy Catholic at heart.

I think that God is punishing me for placing my attachment on someone who might not have been right for me. And blithely ignoring the fact, and falling in love with him. So I'm going about in a daze, and crying in public places and I heartily deserve this. I need it, because it's a reminder for me not to lie to myself. If I'm going to be this open, I have to also be unremittingly honest with myself about whether my love interest is actually "the one."

I just trimmed the christmas tree for my apartment building. That was nice. Good lord. I'd really like, at some point in my existence on this earth, to be able to bring the man I love home to my father's for Christmas.

My friend went to see the Vancouver Gay Men's Chorus Christmas Concert last night. and as their encore, they did a choral version of "Jingle Bells?" as arranged for Barbra Streisand...

In case I required it, this is final confirmation that my best friend is indeed a gay man. She has the same taste as a hundred singing homos.

How's this for a rejection letter? This is from the people for whom I auditioned on Friday:

Dear Matthew,

What a pleasure meeting you on Friday. You have an immense talent and you are a joy to watch.
We would like to offer you the role. But regretfully we cannot accommodate your schedule conflicts.
Perhaps on another Out of the Box Production!
Please stay in touch.

Sincerely,

Pretty good, eh? I don't mind it when people say I have an immense talent. Because you know. I'm just beginning to remember that I do. It's the sort of thing one forgets when one goes to school - whether it's York or elsewhere. This audition felt like the auditions I used to have before I went to York. The audition I had at York, that got me directly into the acting stream.

I also had a really excellent conversation with a woman at Restoration Hardware, of all places. She came in, and because I had a spruce lap duvet (yes folks, a spruce lap duvet - the height of gluttonous North American consumption) over my shoulder, she told me that I looked like a Buddhist monk. It might also have had something to do with my shaved head. I said I should wear the saffron one. The we laughed at the picture of a Buddhist monk selling Restoration Hardware products, and she said maybe I should be wearing the spruce lap duvet, because it gave the impression that I was not sure which way I was going, but was on the right path.

Hello.

I told her that that was perfect, because it was true of me, and then we started talking about what extraordinary creatures humans are and that we don't even begin to get an inkling of that until we are in crisis, and we have to work just to survive. Then we parted ways. It was really excellent.

My best friend sent me a message today that I might have to save forever. Her Sagittarian impulse toward action makes me smile generally anyway, but now that it's directed toward me, only more so. There's nothing to do, rh. We'll just do all of the things you said in your e-mail (except Christmas. I'm eating excellent Czech food on Christmas at my brother in law's house, which is not in King City). Other than that I think I just need to mourn the fact that I placed my love yet again in someone who didn't know what to do with it.

I wrote this letter to Ben (but didn't send it, and instead posted it on my blog) on 18 October:

First things first: let's dispose of this pink woolly mammoth careening around the room. I am in love with you. I met you on 1 August, and left Toronto thirty days later, but the fact remains, I know what love feels like, and this is it. On our very first date we talked about dogs and vegetable gardens, and I want those things with you. Now, I feel neglected by you recently, and it is frustrating and makes me desperately sad.

You know, when I come to think of it, I might have misrepresented myself a little bit. I told you that I wasn't into drama. And compared to other theatre and dance people, that's really true, but compared to civilians, it is an utterly false statement. Perhaps you find me overwhelming, and I guess I wouldn't blame you for that. In love, I am very effusive. To me, a great part of love includes devotion. Maybe also you feel abandoned by me, and need to distance yourself, because no matter how much I tell you I miss you, I'm just not there. And you don't have any choice about that. It was my choice to go, and because you were not involved in that decision, perhaps you feel left out. And also that you don't have a say, because really, we haven't known one another very long, and we can't really make demands on each other. It's a hard situation. You can't know that, even though I've been "seeing" other men, and I've had one intimate encounter with one of them, that that very encounter confirmed to me that it's of no interest to me. I don't want with anyone else the intimacy that I shared with you before I left for Vancouver. It took me a while to figure it out, but I'm happier being here, waiting for you, than I could ever be in gratifying physical needs.

I'm wrestling with this. On the one hand I don't want to seem needy, and on the other hand, this is where I am right now. For me to expect you to understand how intense this whole artistic and sociological process is for me is unrealistic, and for me to demand of myself that I tone it down is equally fantastical. I censor myself mercilessly, and I'm working against that habit. I "round the edges", because I'm afraid of other people's reactions to me. This is the case in joy and in despair. I endure extremes of emotion and then dull these extremes. That's probably not fair to anyone. So how about this? I am going to risk not rounding the edges with you. I mean, if we're going to be together, it's all going to come out eventually anyway, or else I'd be living a fake life to rival that of my mother before she left my father. And really, let's not repeat that destructive little pattern. So here it is: if you called me tonight and said that you loved me and missed me, I'd be over the moon. Because it's an offer of light in my life. So I'm offering you the unshielded, raw, blinding white hot light of the love that I have for you. That's all I can do. I am going to work from the premise that it's not my job to protect you from me. If you need to go running, screaming in the other direction, I must relinquish control over your reaction.

I'm terrified to stay with you in December. I expect that you will tell me that it doesn't work, and I should stay with my father the whole time. Or that you will ignore me while I am there. It's fraught with meaning. Everything is fraught with meaning. I am as afraid to stay with you as I was to move to Vancouver. Which means that I have to do it. I have to expose myself to these depths, if I am going to live a nourished life.

Every little thing is fraught with meaning.

I love you such that my body tries to shut down against this level of feeling.

Matthew

I'm smart. That's a good letter. I should have sent that. It was totally bang on. He did what he had to do. I'll do what I have to do. Some mourning, some letting go, some moving on. Next time I love someone, I'm going to tell him. That scares me to even say it, so I think I'll have to do it.

I was thinking, through all this pain, and basic inability to get through a day without crying (I cried at work today - no one saw), about the fact that one day when we were together, and Ben told me that he was falling for me, he mentioned that he hadn't felt a connection with anyone for a very long time. Maybe I was a gift to him. Maybe I was the message that someone could love him. That he coud be connected to someone. That he is able to be connected. And now maybe this fellow that he's connected with - maybe they'll have a beautiful life together, and I wouldn't begrudge that of anyone. It's what I want - I understand the pursuit of it. I'm in pain. Horrid pain. But it helps someone else and that's a good thing. Good in the Platonic, Aristotelian, Neo-Platonic, and Christian sense of the word. Which is the best type of good.

I keep having fantasies that he's going to call me and want me back at some point in the future. And I'm going to get to breathe in, and say "how daaaaaaaaaaaaaaare you?!?!?!" in full Smukler fashion. I also keep habitually thinking about him - "keeping him in my thoughts while I stay in Vancouver" - keeping myself in love with him - the choice I made when I left town. Little vocal how-dare-you's keep escaping. I hope none get out while I'm at work today.

I just want it to stop. I wish I could be a middle of the road career retail minion with no access to my emotions whatsoever. But it's impossible. I've been opened and I can't be shut now. How much longer can I do this? How much longer can anyone do this? What about a lobotomy? Or some hardcore anti-depressants? The kind that erase your personality. Yeah.......

Despite knowing all of these things, I still feel wounded and betrayed. Even though I know that I was not coupled with him from 30 August onward. That I mistook a summer fling for something more permanent.

Anyway, I don't feel like this poem yet, but soon, I hope.

The House of Belonging
By David Whyte

I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.

But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and
I thought

it must have been the quiet
candle light
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night

And
I thought this is the good day
you could
meet your love,

This is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realise
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny, close grained cedar
burning round
me like fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
inwhich I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

What is it that I'm mourning here? I'm mourning that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, that I was right about him; mourning the loss of feeling coupled and completed. All of these are illusory. I'm mourning my illusions. Except that I was right about him. Even that. It's more that I was right about myself, and that is illusory as a discovery, since I knew this already

My faith in love is not shaken. I had been thinking for a while that this particular love was a poor shadow of the love that I know exists, because it exists in me. For my pattern on this, see the post entitled "Empathy." Epectasis is my mode of desire, and a blithe and bonny flirtationsness such as Ben's is flattened utterly in the face of that. I knew this, but was hoping it wouldn't be the case. Perhaps next time, to be kind, useful and true, I can be less cowardly, and when I know it to be the case, as I knew in my dark heart that Ben could not possibly match my intensity, I can do something about it - be more communicative about the fact that I need someone who can jump off a cliff with me. Semantics, I know: I hope in future not to protect "myself," but to protect the ability to love - not throwing it indiscriminately at people who don't have the palette for it. Cast not pearls before swine, as my namesake admonishes. Not that Ben is swine, but more that casting the pearl of my love before him was a miscast on my part. And an avoidable one.

OH YEAH BABY! HIT ME WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!

how about $20? says: (4:31:09 PM)
so if it still works out, probably the most convenient time for me to stay with you would be after new year (still interested in that?)

Ben says: (4:31:55 PM)
there's something I wanted to tell you ...... I'm falling for someone in toronto.... kind of blind sided me that one and didn't know how to approach the topic

how about $20? says: (4:32:07 PM)
gah.

how about $20? says: (4:34:02 PM)
okay.

Ben says: (4:34:20 PM)
sorry

how about $20? says: (4:34:26 PM)
don't be.

how about $20? says: (4:34:37 PM)
I want you to be happy.

Ben says: (4:34:47 PM)
yeah but I didn't want to hurt you either

how about $20? says: (4:35:05 PM)
well, that's inevitable, but there's nothing to be done about it.

how about $20? says: (4:37:03 PM)
alright. I'll let you go. Have a happy holiday, Ben.

Ben says: (4:37:19 PM)
thanks and you too Matthew


Your intuition that Christ suffers in us in the Dark Night of the Soul seems to be to be especially apt and true. In the Night of Sense it is we who suffer in our own emptiness; in the Night of the Spirit he is emptiness in us, exinanivit semetipsum. The special awfulness of that seeming void can certainly be taken as a personal presence, but without duality, without too much of the subject-object relationship. But above that.
"Everybody is suffering emptiness. All that is familiar to us is being threatened and taken away ... there may be little or nothing left and we may all have evaporated. Surely one cannot feel comfortable or at ease in such a world. We are under sentence of death, an extinction without remembrance or memorial, and we cling to life and to the present. This causes bitterness and anguish. Christ will cure us of this clinging and then we will be free and joyful, even in the night."

"In the night it is intolerale to raise the question of right and wrong because we are in a sense simply wrong and in another sense out of the whiole area of argument altogether. That is precisely the atmosphere of Greek religious tragedy. It is much healthier than our obsession with the fear that if we are not somehow optimistic we are lost. In the night optimism and pessimism are both meaningless. Does this sound absurd?"

"As to epectasis: I do not consider it a "state" at all but so to speak a basic law of the spirit, a kind of expression of the very nature of the spiritual life. I think this is most important for you in this "night," much of which comes from unconsciously hanging on to something steady and dfinite. We have got to travel in the void and be perfectly happy about it....all that we know clearly is insufficient. We must pass on to the unknown. The hunger for God cannot be satisfied except in the sense that an entirely new dimension makes the void itself our satiation, and this is nonsense as expressed here. Who is there left to satisfy?"

"[Eckhart] towers over all his century."

More to come. I've stopped reading until I can catch up with the quotations here.

Suddenly, nothing has any. I am feeling a strong strong impulse to just sleep. Hibernate till I'm done hibernating.

Sadness in my heart is the sadness of God's absence, eh? Well, I'm willing to believe that.

Maybe I'm just hungry.

My good friend just found out that the boy (I judiciously avoid the word "man" here) she's been in love with since meeting him in Brasil in the summer, and who apparently reciprocated this feeling, is seeing someone else "informally". Informally. How do you like that one? Informally. Boys are such perfect perfect cowards. All I can say to my friend is, I feel ya. This is the deepest fear we have isn't it? You go away from one another, and you communicate, but somehow, there is something that doesn't match - you love him, and for some reason, you convince yourself that he is just not demonstrative, or that he's bad over the phone, or that it's his sister on MSN and that's why he doesn't answer you. And who knows what's been happening in his mind while you're a continent away, pining and aching and probably annoying all your friends with incessant talk of him but who cares because you're in love and your friends who can't be happy about that can fuck themselves and you know it's impractical but so what you're in love and it's just a miracle that you can actually drum up any form of human feeling after the bullshit that you've been through so yes it's impractical and born of pure fantasy but that's a good chunk of the charm because when you met there was some sort of click and you were excited and more comfortable with him than anyone else before him and that's valuable goddamn it and you're investing in some form of emotional attachment that can be described as love and the way you know this is happening is because every time he doesn't answer you on msn or goes offline as soon as you come online or says he's doing his laundry and never returns or doesn't appear to have any game plan about having you come and stay with him over Christmas it actually rips your innards to shreds and you wonder how it is that you are not completely comprised of scar tissue on the inside and why it is that you keep allowing this type of shit to happen in your life and then you remember that you're some sort of emotion junkie apparently, and you just love getting kicked when you're down apparently which in your universe translates to a refusal to stop loving and falling in love despite the fact that as you get older day after day week after week year after quick-ending year it appears to be increasingly futile as a pursuit but you can't let it go somehow and you want to reject all that Freudian bullshit about human relationships being the only avenue to a satisfied well adjusted life because it goes against your political grain but the blood and guts of it is that you want someone who can accept the huge huge overwhelming amount of probably dysfunctional smothering overwhelming love that you have in you and have no real place to put and your artistic work seems to defy the type of love that you want to give to someone ANYONE well not anyone but someone with whom you can have that click without him screaming in mortal terror a lethal heart shattering scream and running from you with all the speed he can muster.

So, while you're feeling that, he's just -- what? Forgetting what you look like?

We're so desperately alone on this earth.

It is snowing hard. How gorgeous.
I don't have enough money to be able to eat, do laundry or go to dance class. It's getting serious.

Right - here's some more:

"...this should somehow be done with such authority and force (moral not juridical) that the U.S. would be shamed into slowing down its escalation and holding back from an invasion of North Vietnam and China. this in itself would be an achievement. Then perhaps the conference might be able to bring the whole affair to the point of negotiation and the next world war be averted." This written in 1966. How exhausting to think that a world war might be a regular occurrence at twenty years from its predecessor.

"The great peril of the cold war is the progressive deadening of conscience. This of course was a process that was already well under way after World War I, and received a great impetus during the second war."

"Since it is to me perfectly obvious that a Sadhu might well know God better and love Him better than a lukewarm Christian, i see no problem whatever about declaring that such a one is closer to Him and is even, by that fact, closer to Christ. The distinction lies in the fact that Catholics believe that the Church does possess a clearer and more perfect exoteric doctrine and sacramental system which 'objectively' ought to be more secure nd reliable a means for men to come to God and save their souls. Obviously this cannot be argued and scientifically proved, I simply state it as part of our belief in the Church. But the fact remains that God is not bound to confine His gifts to the framework of these external means, and in the end we are sanctified not merely by the instrumentality of doctrines and sacraments, but by the Holy Spirit...
There is only one point in your letter with which I take issue. I would not agree that Pseudo-Denys teaches the 'divine nature of all things,' or that man is essentially divine by nature. This of course is the point where a genuine understanding between Christianity and Vedanta must seek to begin, and we must begin by making clear the distinction. It cannot be said that a Christian (or at least a Catholic) believes that man is by nature divine. If he did, the whole point of Christian teaching would be lost. The Christian belief is, let me state it clearly and without ambiguity, that man is divine not by nature but by grace, that is to say that his union with God is not an ontological union in one nature but a personal union in love and in the Holy Spirit, that is to say by God's gift of Himself to man, in Christ. Man is divine then not insofar as he has Being, but insofar as he is personally redeemed by and united with God in Christ.....for a Catholic the exoteric explanation of it is that these holy men have received the gift of God, the Holy Spirit, and have become 'divine' not by nature but 'by adoption,' not by creation but in the Spirit and in love. I state this, ou understand, merely as an exposition of what all Catholics must hold, not as an attempted 'refutation/ of Advaita."

"We do have to open our hearts and 'flow with God' with self-forgetfulness and the renunciation of mental objects, even the highest forms. In this of course we must always be called and led. He (Benet of Canfield) makes it clear. We are too rational. We do not permit anything to remain unconscious. Yet all that is best is unconscious r superconscious."

"I have heard of The Mirror of Simple Souls. It is attributed to Marguerite Porete, an unfortunate Beguine who was burned for some very innocent statements."

"I do not think strictly that contemplation should be the goal of 'all devout souls,' though I may have said this earlier on. In reality I think a lot of them shoudl be very good and forget themselves in virtuous action and love and let the contemplation come in the window unheeded, so to speak. They will be contemplatives without ever really knowing it. I feel that in the monastery here those who are too keen on being contemplatives with a capital C make of contemplation an 'object' from which they are eternally separated, because they are always holding it at arms' length in order to see if it is there. As for the call to solitude it is in some respects unavoidable, and imperative, and even if you are prevented by circumstances (e.g., marriage!) from doing anything about it, solitud will come and find you anyway and this is not always the easiest thing in life either. It may take the form of estrangement, and really it shouldn't. But it does. However, that should not be sought or even too eagerly consented to. On the contrary. In any case the right result should be a great purity of heart and selflessness and detachment.
I know what you are trying to say about loving God more than anything that exists but at the same time this is a measure of self-preservation. Beyond all is a love of God in and through all that exists. We must not hold them apart one from the other. But He must be One in all and Is. There comes a time when one loses everything, even love. Apparently. Even oneself, above all oneself. And this will take care of the rapture and all the rest because who will there be to be rapt?"

Good night for now. More soon.

Oh, my aching heart. I was looking at some pictures of Ben today, and my heart actually aches for him. Egh. I'm really a lot poorer at this long-distance thing than I thought I would be. On the bright side, it's only forty minutes to the third of December, and I fly to Toronto on the nineteenth, so I don't have that much time to wait. Just over two weeks. I saw a couple at a cafe today, and they were just reading together. He, reading a book, and she, flipping through a magazine. At one point he looked up at her, and asked "do you want another glass of water?" It was exquisite. There is a point in relationships, I think, where you've seen so much of the other person, that there is no point in pretending at things anymore. Jay and Barbara are like this at times, and it's really beautiful to witness. Of course, it's also beautiful to witness how volatile they are, and that they call one another on their bullshit constantly.

And all this when I'd decided that I was again maybe becoming too demonstrative, and was curious about experimenting with what it would be like to choose not to express every emotion I have regarding Ben directly to him. What if I let him come to me sometimes? Perhaps this is what happens - this intense intense longing. I'm going to ride this out for a little longer.

Something else I've thought about - scary for you people who know me, since this Christian language is a little new - is that the heart in this body is not actually my heart to give or to guard (now we're talking about art, and not Ben, although this is applicable that way too), but in fact, is God's heart, and I have a feeling (a free will kind of feeling), that God wants me to give of it. In fact, I'm sure of it. So all these things, in art, that I don't do because it doesn't fit in my definition of "who I am", contravene what I believe to be my purpose.

On a totally different note, if there was some sort of deadly famine or disease that wiped out the human race, I think it would be very quick for our cities to become swallowed up in the forests that would encroach. Perhaps this is why Vancouverites are so obsessed with ripping down their buildings - one gets the feeling of this encroaching of nature here much more than in Toronto or Ottawa, or Montreal. The dampness of the climate means that when leaves fall on the ground, the begin to turn to soil before my eyes. If there was no one here to mend the streets as the roots of the trees break them up, and no one to rake away the leaves that fall down, it would only be a matter of years before the traces of our existence were buried far underground. Would the redwood forests overtake the coast? I think so.

- i find that in most of the cases, I've heard people use the word untalented about someone, is usually just jealousy of the other's success, in my honest opinion

oh no. I have to disagree with you there. jealousy is a big one yes, and we're sort of weird around it, it's somehow the most taboo of the emotions, however, jealousy accounted for, one can still feel someone like britney spears is talentless independently of her success. There is the feeling that one hopes one's society will not make a habit of elevating the mediocre. To me, Britney Spears, The Spice Girls, 98 Degrees and so on are undesireable because of their mediocrity, and they point to a larger societal problem. Now, don't get me wrong, I battle with the desire for fame and success, especially as an artist, but I think the larger issue for me is that I am disappointed with the society in which I live, in its unremitting pursuit of mediocrity. I know I thrive when those around me are excellent, and so I'm disheartened by the comfort that we seek in keeping ourselves talentless, and in our penchant for ignoring/tearing down the unbelievably talented, and tolerating with saintly patience the boring and "luke-warm", half-digested crap that popular music and its proponents represent.
but that's sort of what i mean... your personal opinion is preventing you from looking at it without bias

-but that's sort of what i mean... your personal opinion is preventing you from looking at it without bias

I am a westerner. I value my personal opinion, and in the context of society, don't think it's worth relinquishing. However, to address what you just said, you yourself admit that objectively, BS (how fitting that those are her initials) is not a great singer or dancer or intellect. So, why should she be a role-model? Objectively, she's mediocre. That has nothing to do with my opinion of her. Her vocal range is limited, her dancing is limited, and she decided that higher education was a bad idea. Why should this person be an idol for hundreds of thousands of people? it's not my opinion of britney to which I am attached, it's my opinion of our society that glorifies her over people with greater measurable skills. to quote the interminable actor's mantra: I could do THAT. Or more importantly, since this is not about me, ANYONE could do what she does.

- but that's the thing: the thing that makes her "special" is that not anyone could do that... as a side note: I'm not really trying to defend Britney, I'm just using her as an obvious example... it's the illusion that it's easy I think that makes me dislike the term untalented

wait.....I don't understand what you just said...oh, that it was difficult for her to get where she is, and therefore some talent must be involved?

-yes

except that she just looked hot and was willing to turn herself into a "schoolgirl whore" and take advantage of some of our societal fantasies of fucking youths. as someone in performance I have to reiterate that the adage is true about being in the right time and place. A huge chunk of becoming famous is actually luck. talent often has little to do with it.

-yes... I dunno... I still don't like the term untalented

because it smacks of the subjective?

to be honest, I think this mostly arose due to one of my co-workers uses that word to describe any musician/artist/designer whom she personally doesn't like

ah. this is problematic. I agree we need to use the term judiciously. for me talent refers to any uncommon skill or aptitude that an individual possesses, by which they are set apart (above - although I realise people don't like hierarchy) his or her peers in the specific field of pursuit.