The Living Centrifuge

Barbara quotation: "That's what's compelling about my performance - I'm efficient". She's on about efficiency of movement this week, which is a good thing to be on about. I've been thinking about efficiency, and I feel like I was "on about" efficiency about four years ago, before I started my training at York. Then everything got all busy and unnecessarily complex. The Miracle Worker was the last time I felt like I was working toward essence alone. I flipped a napkin and it meant everything. And now that it's in my mind, my friend Manon told me that I was hypnotising onstage, because my movement was so spare. I've yet to attain that level of efficiency again. Now is the time to re-start that work, I think.

In other news, my foot feels better dancing than walking down the street. This is funny. My body is transforming so that I will have to be a dancer for the rest of my life. This is a good thing.

I think that's all I have right now. Maybe I'll be having action with the Persian this week. And! The Christmas music listening blitz has begun ladies and gentlemen. Expect upcoming tales of way too much money spent on Christmas decorations.

Thank God for my Italian paranoia.

JoeyJoe, some random Manhunt Dot Net guy that contacted me when I first got here, then wouldn't show me his picture, and who I subsequently removed from my contact list, because really, who needs such self-important idiots in his life? Anyway, from time to time he contacts me, and I'm cordial, but reserved, because he reminds me of Nick at his worst, which I feel is a good thing to avoid.

Last night he contacted me on MSN, and asked me to give him my full name because he was judging a drag queen competition at a gay club (for my feelings on gay clubs, see my August post on this subject), and would put me on the guest list. Keep in mind that this fellow is an electronic spectre at this point, so I said that I was not in the habit of giving my full name to strange men. Upon which he turned into a snarling screeching infant, told me I was stupid, and if I wanted to be an actor in this town he was someone I shouldn't piss off because he is a "gay celebrity" (!). He's the first person that I've blocked on messenger.

Wow. When people don't get what they want, or when you don't give into their bullshit, they turn violent. This is why I often give people what they want to hear - it's much safer. However, in the Merton book, he talks about the reactions of the Curia (a judging body in the Catholic Church), and that often one knows one is on the right path if they are harsh with you. Moral uprightness means adversity. I like this. It makes me feel like I can more strongly follow a moral path in my life. Just knowing that strong reactions will be inherent - not something to be avoided, and so I might as well do the right thing since there is no question of struggle. It will almost always be there.

There were Christmas decorations at Winners. I bought a winter coat.


Merton quotations:

"I have been summoned to explore a desert area of man's heart in which explanations no longer suffice, and in which one learns that only experience counts. An arid, rocky, dark land of the soul, sometimes illuminated by strange fires which men fear and peopled by specters which men studiously avoid except in their nightmares. And in this area I have learned that one cannot truly know hope unless he has found out how like despair hope is."

"God seeks Himself in us, and the aridity and sorrow of our heart is the sorrow of God who is not known in us, who cannot find Himself in us because we do not dare to believe or trust the incredible truth that He could live in us, and live there out of choice, out of preference."

"will we not soon have to face the fact that ALL of it [religion, politics and history] has died on us and is one big embarassing corpse?"

So, ladies and gentlemen, on the seventh day, I heard from Ben. It's sign that it would be on a biblical number. And of course, it becomes complicated that he should allay my anger at this point. In a way, it would be easier if he just made me angry and broke up with me, and that was the end of that. However, we had a single conversation that was more like two conversations that were terribly one sided. I was saying things like "seven days without a conversation with you is too long a time", and he was replying with things like "withdrawal?" I was saying things like "send me stupid notes about how your day went", and he was replying with things like "e-mail and me are not friends, but I'll try". No apologies, no anything. How again did he allay my anger? Maybe just the act of talking with him. The fact that he sort of agreed to send notes. The fact that he came back online after going away. The fact that he contacted me. These are kind of flimsy. But I guess what it comes down to is I have to go back in December, and suss out the situation in person, because these communication devices don't really communicate anything at all.

Farting is funny.

I had burgers with Ronya and Holly today, and we just laughed a LOT. It was very good.

I kissed the Persian last night. He's very good. We spent the whole evening with held hands, and parted with many last kisses. I spoke with him today. He's beautiful and flirty and smart and nice, and expressive. This makes the Ben situation more complicated.

More Merton quotations:

"Who can fall through the center of himself into that nothingness and not be appalled?"

"Instead of pushing him [the other] down, trying to climb out by using his head as a steppingstone for ourselves, we help ourselves to rise by helping him to rise. For when we extend our hand to the enemy who is sinking in the abyss, God reaches out to both of us, for it is he first of all who extends our hand to the enemy."

Kevin the Burninator. I'll be gone before it happens. says: (6:36:51 PM)
perhaps you need closure with ben

advaita, bhakti, caruta says: (6:37:53 PM)
absolutely. one way or the other. I mean, I invested a lot of emotional energy into that action, and if it's going nowhere, I can't be pining away into nothing like a victorian heroine when I should be on the other side of the continent dancing the fuck out of my body, you know?

 Kevin the Burninator. I'll be gone before it happens. says: (6:38:15 PM)
EXACTLY

 Kevin the Burninator. I'll be gone before it happens. says: (6:38:24 PM)
you go girl


24 And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind." And it was so. 25God made the wild animals of the earth of every kind, and the cattle of every kind, and everything that creeps upon the ground of every kind. And God saw that it was good.
26 Then God said, "Let us make humankindc in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth,d and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."
27 So God created humankinde in his image,
in the image of God he created them;f
male and female he created them.
28God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." 29God said, "See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. 31God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good.

I miss my Oxford Annotated Bible.

My friend just said this to me:
I love grapes.
To me, you are a grape.

I burst out crying in rehearsal today, because I wasn't sitting on the bylines. It was so wonderful to be in there. I couldn't do everything, but I could do a lot, which was wonderful.

The date with the Persian was very nice. Have I told you this already? I think I did. I'm meeting him again on Friday. He's very nice looking and friendly and smart and sexy.

Did I also tell you that the Vancouver Boy (Massage Boy/Grant) suggested that we read together. I am fantastic. I don't need to get treated with this much indifference. You know what's going to happen? I'm going to find out in a couple of days that Ben's parents or his sister or something died in some hideous way, and all my emotional processing of the fact that he has not been in contact with me for FOUR days will all be about how selfish I am. Don't I wish? Wow. That's horrible. And this is my blog so poo on you.

And I forgot to record these Barbara quotations from Friday:

(This first one is for a specific reader, because for me, the quotations are more about the learning process, and less about outrageous utterances [although the two often collide], but in this case, I'm making a requested exception): "If you don't understand theatrical language, I can't help you with that. You should take a course."

"The process of creation is chaotic - sometimes you cry, sometimes you scream, sometimes you laugh, but I don't understand why there's so much fear."

"It has to be moment to moment. If you just try to push through to an end point, you might as well be working at Safeway."

And these are from the Thomas Merton book:

"Disinterested love is also called the "love of friendship," that is to say a love which rests in the good of the beoved, not in one's own interest or satisfaction, not in one's own pleasure. A love which does not exploit, manipulate, even by "serving," but which simply "loves." A love which, in the words of St. Bernard, simply "loves because it loves" and for no other reason or purpose, and is therefore perfectly free. This is a spiritual idea which also had secular counterparts in the courtly love of the Provencal poets...."

"Often when I reread things I have written I find them so bad that I am irritated with myself: of course this is only vanity. But once I realize that they have meant something to someone they acquire something of the other person's value and meaning. What you read and liked of mine I shall like better now because you have all enjoyed them: I will like them because of all of you. I will like them because the are more yours than mine."

"It is not easy to try to say what I know I cannot say. I do really have the feeling that you have all understood and shared quite perfectly. That you have seen something that I see to be most precious - and most available too. The reality that is present to us and in us: call it Being, call it Atman, call it Pneuma...or Silence. And the simple fact that by being attentive, by learning to listen (or recovering the nautral capacity to listen which cannot be learned any more than breathing), we can find ourself engulfed in such happiness that it cannot be explained: the happiness of being at one with everything in that hidden ground of Love for which there can be no explanations."

"You are right about the Sufis and about the need for Christian equivalents of the Sufis. This kind of need is not something that man thinks up and then takes care of. It is a question of God's honor and glory so to speak: they are chosen and plunged into the crucible like iron into the fire. I do not know if I have been so chosen but I am familiar enough with the crucible, and I live under the sign of contradiction. Would that I might so live gently, non-violently, firmly, in all humility and meekness, but not betraying the truth."

"I think it was from Ananda that I first heard the quote of Tauler (or maybe Eckhart) who said in a seromn that even if the church were empty, he would preach the sermon to the four walls because he had to. That is the true apostolic spirit, based not on the desire to make others conform, but in the desire to proclaim and announce the good tidings of God's infinite love. In this context the preacher is not a "converter" but merely a herald, a voice (kerux), and the Spirit of the Lord is left free to act as He pleases."

"Intercede for me, a stuffed shirt in a place of stuffed shirts and a big dumb phony, who have tried to be respectable and have succeeded. What a deception!"

The Foot Update: I am beginning to see the outline of the knuckle of my fourth meta-tarsal, and the veins at the top of my foot. I am thanking God pretty profusely at this point.

Now, I have been speaking to a Persian online recently, and we had a very nice phone conversation today. We're having lunch on Saturday afternoon. I ended up talking about how my dad is into actions, and less into words. So that he shows me he loves me, then tells me. I said that I tend to take after him in this way, and then he asked me how else I take after my dad, and I told him that I am Intensely passionate and emotional like my dad, and he said he likes that sort of thing. There's something very attractive about that. About the fact that there might be a man out there (this guy, or someone else, who knows) that could deal with the amount of passion that I have, and that I am pretty tired of censoring. Of course, I hope that man is Ben, but we'll see. It's not looking good on that front.

wow. read that last post. read the rest of the posts having to do with ben this month. i'd say stage two has begun.

How's this for a Barbara quotation?

"If you start as bad as you did today, you have to spend the next 70 minutes trying to climb your way out of the pit of mediocrity. And you're following me, and I'm a hard act to follow! I'm fantastic!"

I am in love with this one quite particularly.

How is this for avoidant pettiness? I'm going to see how long it takes my supposed boyfriend to actually contact me. We're on day two and counting.

Remember how I asked why it all has to be about truth love and beauty? There's a part in Elysian Fields (part 3 of the piece Kokoro is rehearsing), where we whisper, and Barbara asked me to find Sanskrit words for truth love and beauty. Ha. Apparently, it IS all about truth love and beauty.

I settled on:

Truth: Advaita (devoid of duplicate - ultimate truth)
Love: Bhakti (devotional love)
Beauty: Charuka (loveliness, beauty)

My foot is looking a little less like a small African country. I'm going to elevate this thing like a .... thing that elevates .... an elevator!

Anyway.

"There is no evidence of a stress fracture". Thank you Jesus. I was beginning to think I was being tested by God.
The Vancouver Boy is a very nice fellow, and I like spending time with him. I don't know that I'd necessarily do a relationship with him, but he's very lovely, and very nice to me. It makes for a nice change. Geh.

First things first: let's dispose of this pink woolly mammoth careening around the room. I am in love with you. I met you on 1 August, and left Toronto thirty days later, but the fact remains, I know what love feels like, and this is it. On our very first date we talked about dogs and vegetable gardens, and I want those things with you. Now, I feel neglected by you recently, and it is frustrating and makes me desperately sad.

You know, when I come to think of it, I might have misrepresented myself a little bit. I told you that I wasn't into drama. And compared to other theatre and dance people, that's really true, but compared to civilians, it is an utterly false statement. Perhaps you find me overwhelming, and I guess I wouldn't blame you for that. In love, I am very effusive. To me, a great part of love includes devotion. Maybe also you feel abandoned by me, and need to distance yourself, because no matter how much I tell you I miss you, I'm just not there. And you don't have any choice about that. It was my choice to go, and because you were not involved in that decision, perhaps you feel left out. And also that you don't have a say, because really, we haven't known one another very long, and we can't really make demands on each other. It's a hard situation. You can't know that, even though I've been "seeing" other men, and I've had one intimate encounter with one of them, that that very encounter confirmed to me that it's of no interest to me. I don't want with anyone else the intimacy that I shared with you before I left for Vancouver. It took me a while to figure it out, but I'm happier being here, waiting for you, than I could ever be in gratifying physical needs.

I'm wrestling with this. On the one hand I don't want to seem needy, and on the other hand, this is where I am right now. For me to expect you to understand how intense this whole artistic and sociological process is for me is unrealistic, and for me to demand of myself that I tone it down is equally fantastical. I censor myself mercilessly, and I'm working against that habit. I "round the edges", because I'm afraid of other people's reactions to me. This is the case in joy and in despair. I endure extremes of emotion and then dull these extremes. That's probably not fair to anyone. So how about this? I am going to risk not rounding the edges with you. I mean, if we're going to be together, it's all going to come out eventually anyway, or else I'd be living a fake life to rival that of my mother before she left my father. And really, let's not repeat that destructive little pattern. So here it is: if you called me tonight and said that you loved me and missed me, I'd be over the moon. Because it's an offer of light in my life. So I'm offering you the unshielded, raw, blinding white hot light of the love that I have for you. That's all I can do. I am going to work from the premise that it's not my job to protect you from me. If you need to go running, screaming in the other direction, I must relinquish control over your reaction.

I'm terrified to stay with you in December. I expect that you will tell me that it doesn't work, and I should stay with my father the whole time. Or that you will ignore me while I am there. It's fraught with meaning. Everything is fraught with meaning. I am as afraid to stay with you as I was to move to Vancouver. Which means that I have to do it. I have to expose myself to these depths, if I am going to live a nourished life.

Every little thing is fraught with meaning.

I love you such that my body tries to shut down against this level of feeling.

Matthew

Is it kind? Is it useful? Is it true?

Yet again, I am unable to sleep from pain and stress. I'm having a very hard time being this injured. I can hardly walk again. After the weekend, I was feeling good, but after today, I can hardly walk again. I can hardly walk.

I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk. I can hardly walk.

A fellow dancer suggested that considering this injury, I have different things to work on than being virtuosic. The premise of this statement was that dance is not about virtuosity, it's about expression. "I think you have experience being virtuosic, and so this is an opportunity to work on something other than virtuosity". It's a good outlook, but difficult to accept, considering I moved across the continent to work with these people. I wish I was a robot. I get all whiny like this. Something challenging happens, and I don't know how to feel like the world is not ending.

There are things to work on other than virtuosity. Specificity of image work (I've always had trouble with that). "Always look on the bright side of life". I need to work on that one.

When is not-dance dance? All the time! Everything is dance.

And I think my boyfriend is preparing to leave me. He's very indifferent lately (on msn and the phone, but still). This same fellow dancer is having boy problems too, and she is trying to release her attachment to him and the situation, and I said to her that letting go might be difficult, but that's the point. The challenge is to let go when you are actually attached to the thing you have to release. That is, let go, even if you love him completely. She gently reminded me of this in regards to Ben today:

"A very wise friend recently told me....."

Well Ronya, your friend is an asshole.
Your friend talks a good game, but when it comes down to it, he's just full of bullshit.

I can hardly walk.

I'm cooking duck, with stuffing.
My foot is way worse, but the doctor perscribed some naproxen, so I get to be anti-inflamed.
I have an odd feeling my boyfriend is going to leave me.
I am going to eat an apple.
I secretly have a phantasy of getting addicted to this anti-inflammatory drug and dying of a drug overdose in the way that Judy Garland did. Primarily because that's what Judy Garland did.
I also secretly have a phantasy that I have a uterus. I've never had an x-ray or an ultrasound in that part of my body. So how would anyone know if I didn't?

Apparently, endorphins are received by the brain in the same way that opiates are. Perhaps the fact that I haven't really danced in three days has something to do with the low mood. Apparently intense physical activity increases endorphin production and uptake. I'm not saying that it is the only reason, but might be a contributing factor. It's nice to know that chemicals in my body might have something to do with it, and that the chemicals might not be causing bipolar disorder.

The question I so abhor that others ask me, I am now asking of myself. What is wrong with me? I am prone to these massive shifts in mood. Last night I felt fantastic. I was talking with my best friend, we were having fun, my foot was feeling better, I was compulsively listening to Bali Hai, laughing, having a gay old time. And today, I'm desperately low. I feel like nothing could go my way. I spoke with Ben briefly, and he was tired, so went away from the computer, but then later I logged on to Manhunt Dot Net and he was online. Why wouldn't he want to talk to me? Then I think, he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't much care for me any longer. Matthew, maybe he just left Manhunt Dot Net on, and is actually having a nap. Why would he lie? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE THOROUGHLY UNLIKEABLE. Oh, that's true. All of the people in my life who can, leave me. Vito, Nick, Mel, My mother, M.John, Grant, the Vancouver boy (I think it's going that way). If my father wasn't so bound by his beautiful sense of duty, I'm sure he'd go too.

I wish I could be a civilian, and just have a normal, unexciting swing of emotions. There's something very attractive in being satisfied with a cubicle and biannual trips to Cuba and Mexico. Why can't my life goal be to purchase a loft in Yaletown? Why does it all have to be about truth and beauty and love? These impossible things? Why is it so hard? And it all comes with the concomitant guilt of being middle class and from North America and knowing that almost everyone in the world has it way way worse than me. Oh, you get to be upset about truth and beauty and love? Oh you poor thing. You have it so hard. It's so difficult for you. How do you make it through the day?

ps, I found a quotation from a religious group that calls Christ the living centrifuge of history. That's kind of uncanny. My own image of the living centrifuge was a little more internal, but there you have it.

Bali Hai - Perez Prado and Rosemary Clooney
Second Hand Rose - Fanny Brice
Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered - Lena Horne
Cry Me a River - Barbra Streisand
Jolene - Dolly Parton
Master of the House - Les Miserables - Alain Boublil

My best friend is .... well, the best.

I have more than 1000 readers! In two and a half months! I'm excited. I think it's probably the same three people, visiting again and again, but still!

I got a care package in the mail today. It's the first one I've ever received ever. It came at the perfect time. I was very down about the prospect of having broken my foot, and I was back from physio, and voila, I got this package. I burst out crying (something I appear to be doing a lot of these days). It was from the TYT folks - the people with whom I did the Rocky Horror Show in April. The director and producer, the choreographers, the PM, and I think the stage manager. It had a lovely letter, and just some really thoughtful little gifts. It made my day.

My foot has been bothering me for a while, and today, it just got really really bad. It had been swollen before, but today it basically blew up and stopped working, and then, I rehearsed for another two hours. Now, I can hardly walk on the thing. I have to say, I'm terrified. I have a physio appointment tomorrow, to which I think I'm going to take the bus, I think. I limped home today. I'm tired of limping. I'm just terrified that the physiotherapist is going to tell me - oh my god, what have you been doing, you can't dance on this, you need to pull out of the show. The fact that I moved across the bloody continent really makes something like that worse news than if it was a Toronto company. It would be tragic in any event, but there you have it. I want my stupid body to stop misbehaving because I'm doing things it's not used to. Suck it up, and just shut up, and let me dance! I just want to dance. And the physiotherapist is actually Barbara's son, so that's good. And it's going to be expensive I think, so that's bad. But at least he knows what's involved in a Kokoro rehearsal.

Guys, pray for me, or send your positive vibes my way. Please please please don't let me be irreparable.

I had a conversation with my dad about his reaction to the structure of the relationship with Ben. I was rarin' for a fight. Or not a fight, but one of the in depth conversations with my father that make me believe that easier is very seldom better when it comes to .... well anything. And instead of being able to use my fabulous apologiae for the relationship, my dad just said "I fly off the handle, and I don't want you to stop being able to come to me, feeling uncomfortable about my reactions. I just want you to be happy and I don't want to see you hurt. Has this been bothering you?"

"....................yes."

"I'm glad you told me. It's okay."

Fantastic. It actually is fantastic. Just surprising.

I'm glad this ended well, however, it brings up for me the fact that it's very important for me to impress my father. Wow, big oedipal surprise ladies and gentlemen. But it is for me. Not that I want to impress him, but the all-pervasive nature of this impulse. I want my father to come to Vancouver to see the show I'm rehearsing, and I want him to be blown away by my work. I want him to be impressed by the gain in my strength. I want him to be happy for me in the relationship I'm beginning. Which is hard when I feel so untethered myself in the relationship (for example, when he says he's doing laundry and I shouldn't call him, I plunge myself into a hand-wringing frenzy). The moral of the story is, everything is about impressing my dad. How can I possibly get anything done when that's all I'm worried about?

On another note, I have found myself missing Ottawa pretty seriously in the last few days. I think it has something to do with the light fading earlier in the day, and the autumnal feeling in the air. There's something about that that brings Ottawa into my head. Also, this time of year I get especially nostalgic. Usually it's a bit earlier, but I've been so busy settling in that I haven't had the chance. This week off of reherasal has probably allowed me the temporal luxury of being able to miss my true home. Also, oddly, I miss Nick. I've been of the "good riddance" school of thought on him for the last while, and I suppose that practically, I still am. I don't think I did anything that needs apologies this time, and we were sort of drifting apart anyway, but I am nostalgic for the "good old days" when we had everything in common, and I hardly needed another friend in the world. He's insane, and it makes him unbearable, in the long run. However, I am finding myself suddenly attached to the memory of our friendship.

I saw a documentary on Pina Bausch's process for the piece "Breath", which was first presented in Istanbul in 2003. It makes me realise how much work I need to do. Lots. And looking at the process, it appears that the dancers are responsible for their own bodies. Very scary and exciting. Once again, it's harder, but it's better. It brings to my mind the fact that at the beginning of rehearsal, Barbara said I needed to work on dynamic. I don't really know what this means yet. Variety of dynamic. Going back to Gerry Trentham's use of the elements - this is another way of talking about varying dynamic. I need to ask him about this. It comes into emotional blocks that I have, which keep me very very watery. I am water. This is a rigidity of identification that has deleterious artistic effects.

Well, after all my "wingeing" (sp?) about the service industry, I got the Mac today, on the early end of the delivery window (8-12 business days). And, it picked up a network in my building. Could you imagine if I had free internet? I'd weep with joy. Further, the package arrived with my extra towel, some cute shoes, and a bunch of stuff from my summer roommate. And skype is Mac compatible, and I downloaded messenger, and a file sharing program. And if I get the Restoration Hardware job, I can quickly change my phone plan, and be all set up! Lord, might that be a light at the end of the tunnel? It shouldn't take over a month to set this stuff up.

I get to spend the weekend with Tori (Mrs. Torrence) Coldrey-Lo. Some friends' dog. They're away for Thanksgiving, and I get to hang out with Tori! I'm very excited. She's one of the first people I met when I was in Ottawa. And now we're both here. I love her so much I want to squeeze her into oblivion. And, my friends gave me a $50 gift certificate to Lush as a thank you! Lord! The fact that I get to be on the internet, watch Sex and the City, and take care of this cutie patootie dog is thanks enough.

Last night, Ben invited me to stay with him for part of my December sojourn in Toronto. I was over the moon. And today, my dad was very disapproving of the current structure of things with Ben - ie that we're seeing other people while I'm away. How do you describe to your traditional father that gay relationship structures are generally more plastic than straight ones? He has no idea, and now has a bee in his bonnet about the man I'm embarking on a long-term relationship with. I hate this defensive feeling. The fact that my father is telling me not to invest emotionally - that he's telling me what to do - is enraging. I'm a man! I'm nearly 27 years of age. And also, too late dad. I love him. And when I spoke with my sister on Tuesday, it was the same thing: "don't fall too hard! Be careful!" Too late. And I don't understand how being careful is a good thing when one already knows. My heart has been broken before, but I've always bounced back. I always bounce back. Why should I live in the middle of the road, emotionally, when I can live in the height of love? Its bliss justifies the risk of the fall.

I also found a book of Thomas Merton's letters in the basement of my building (there's a shelf on which you can leave things for people to take), and his journey is resonant. I like that he's a Christian mystic who is still very thoroughly human. He has problems with the Catholic Church, but still resides in its fold, because he believes it to be the best place. And, he respects other faiths too. And he seems to have pushed the envelope. Makes me think that receiving the sacraments might still be worth it, despite my vacillating belief, and my serious concerns about the Church.

I miss you too, Dawn!

I miss listening to Bossa Nova with you. But when I come back, we will both live downtown, because living near York University is an abysmal thing, and I live so close to a library and a million grocery stores, and a grillion restaurants, and a butcher, and the studio where I dance, that I won't be able to handle Food Cents as the sole source of entertainment in my vicinity.

Bali H'ai will call you!
Any night, any day!
Come to me, your special island!
Come away, come away!

The service industry in Vancouver is uniformly abysmal.

As far as I know, the package that my roommate from Toronto mailed nearly two business weeks ago (with the understanding that it would arrive this past Monday) is just sitting in a postal depot in Richmond. I guess they're too busy eating lotuses to get to it.

Still no land line.

No ability to keep my phone number if I should decide to change my phone plan.

And my phone has decided that thirty seconds is the longest phone conversation I need to have, and as usual, the "customer service" folks at Rogers are indifferent.

Who knows when the new computer is going to arrive. It's supposed to be here at the latest on Thursday next. I'll expect it some time in mid-February.

These are the things that would dissuade me from living in this city long-term. If I'm not dancing or doing something else active, I'm perpetually frustrated by its lack of infrastructural organisation.

On the other hand, I had an interview at Restoration Hardware today, and I'm crossing my fingers about getting it. I should know by Monday, the woman said (does that mean mid-February again?). I'm not terribly excited about being in retail, but the prospect of an extra $400-500 per month is very delicious. I'm going to do some math tonight, and maybe see if I can put all of that toward my student loan. Ah! It would cut years off my payment plan to be able to do that. Whee! We'll see how frugal I can be.

Barbara: "No perspiration is bad pedagogy!"

Love it.

Also, on my own, there is the totally obvious discovery to let the body do what it's built to do. The psoas exists for a reason. It's a series of muscles that exist to stabilise the body. I use the feet and ankles to do that way too much. Jaw tension exists to help me breathe, but I have a diaphragm and abdominal muscles to do that for me. I use articulators (feet, hands, face) as the prime movers of my body. The articulators are the humans in that particular cosmology, and the core is God.

No one said it would be easy. My body hurts like a bitch, but the work is so satisfying. One of the other things that came out of today's rehearsal was that spatial relationship is actually emotional relationship. We dance with a certain proximity for the duration of one of the pieces, then get very close for about four or five minutes. The emotion changes because the spatial relationship changes. This is useful in theatre too.

On a totally different note, a friend of mine last night described himself as an unnecessarily intense romantic. I like this. I think I am also an unnecessarily intense romantic. I spoke with Ben today. I asked him if he missed me. He said yes, and laughed. I said "what? I need to know this information", which I do. Maybe he'll be a little more demonstrative. I don't want him to be a blubbing idiot, but it's definitely nice to know that he misses me.

Ben's favourite pies: raspberry, strawberry-rhubarb, wild blueberry.
Ben's middle name: Alde (accent agu on the e).

Alright, now I'm just gross.

http://www.ne.jp/asahi/butoh/itto/yumiko/

Yumiko Yoshioka is the name of the dancer. In former East Germany, which is where Wuppertal is, which is where Pina Bausch's company is. This makes me want to work really, really really really really hard.

So, I just went to the doctor, and had my blood blister successfully removed. Now I have a bunch of healthy pink skin, that is significantly less painful. And! He gave me a tetanus shot for good measure. I'm going to have a relaxing weekend, and stay off my feet.

Yesterday, some of the cast went out for a beer, and of course, we ended up talking shop. Butoh, it appears, has never been that popular in Japan. However, I'm thinking that Germany might be another option. Barbara mentioned some teachers who she really respects, so that's exciting. Natsu Nakajima is still Japan-based, but I don't know if she's teaching any longer. There's also someone else whose name I forget Yumiko something, and she's based in Germany. If I went to Germany and then ended up meeting Pina Bausch, well, so be it. Heh.

The other thing that came out of the conversation last night was that people like Hijikata and Graham didn't set out to "DO" something. Graham just said "I choreograph because no one else is producing the type of dance that I want to perform". Hijikata was the same, and in the process they built revolutionary art-forms. This is very exciting to me, and also makes me realise that I'm still a very young artist. Working with Barbara and Jay, and (please keep your fingers crossed!) maybe working with Allyson McMackon when I get back to Toronto, I am working with people who are producing the type of art in which I want to perform. But in addition to working with these people, the conversation of last night made me curious about what it is that I want to do as a performance artist. What is the type of work that I want to do? And "relevant physical theatre" is not specific enough an answer. It's making me reasses what I'm doing. I still think I'm on the right path, but I'm honing the questions I'm asking.

The other thing that came out of the conversation was a questioning of one-man shows. That is, what is the relevance of your art if you are the only person who can do it? It makes me think of Erika Batdorf and Peter Chin as prime examples. They are the only people who can do what they do. It's completely unique. Which is not a negative. However, the question is, what does their work contribute to the state of the art, other than the excitement that an audience derives from complete individuality? I'm not convinced that that is a bad thing, but is it transformative for the art as well as the audience? I'm not sure. All these questions. It also makes me want to re-evaluate the Catullus piece. Maybe it's not a one person show after all. We'll see. I'll keep you updated on this.