The Living Centrifuge

Hi again.

So, I'm walking like John Wayne now. I'm so freaking tired! But less body-tired, which is good. Now my feet just hurt like a .... I don't know. Nothing's ever hurt this much. Ever try to have a hot salt bath with broken blood blisters all over your feet? It's really fun. Apparently it heals you, but I think it just hurts!

"Technique is the base that sets you free". That's more Barbara.

I have less fat on my body than I've had since I was 18 years old! It's amazing. Jay and Barbara are going to Lithuania for a week starting next Wednesday, so I'm going to go to a bunch of yoga and ballet and modern classes. I was concerned that I was going to get murdered by all of that, but the girls in the show tell me that class with Barbara is the most challenging in the city, and if I can do that, then I can do any other class in Vancouver. I wonder if there's anyone as fantastic as this in Toronto.

I wonder how I'd be able to afford coming to Vancouver to train with her all the time. Any suggestions out there? ie, what am I going to do in Toronto to make money when I'm back? Why am I thinking about this now?

I hope to get a weekend job of some description while I'm here. Also, some of the girls do life-modelling. Apparently there's a dearth of men, so maybe I'd be able to do that. It would be less soul killing than working at Restoration Hardware, that's for sure.

Good quotations from Barbara today

"If you can do it as beautifully as that, why would you do it any other way?!"

"Connect your breath to your moving. Then you're broving!"

Man, I'm soooooooo happy to be doing this stuff. So happy. It's so freaking hard, but I'm going to do it!

And there are no excuses not to do things well once I've done them well before. There's this one point where I go from high demi-pointe to a deep plie, with the hands touching the ankles, and then stand up again, in demi-pointe. It's freaking hard, and I tend to pitch forward. Today, it was gorgeous and not pitched forward, and with heart shining. I must always do it like this now.

Anyway, off to have a hot hot hot bath.

Talk soon.

Your Birthdate: February 12

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

My body still hurts, but it's getting better. I have a feeling though, that all that is going to go to poo tomorrow, when the man artistic director is dragging me, kicking and screaming, after an hour and a half of hardcore dance class, to a GYM. Gaim? What's a gaim? And THEN! To a yoga class. I'm going to be dead.

But then, of course, I love it.

I had a massive fight with my dad today. I don't hang up phones very frequently, but I had to. I told him I was going to do it, but it was a money fight, and I haven't spoken with him for three weeks, and I wanted to talk with him about his trip to Italy and the fact that I'm enjoying my time here, and he jumped down my throat about money about two seconds into the conversation. Actually, maybe eight or nine seconds. But still.

And it was all about "change your phone plan!" which I told him I was in the midst of doing, and "you need extra money!" which I told him I was in the midst of looking for by applying for other jobs, and he just kept saying the same thing. It was very very frustrating. I hung up, then called him back a few minutes later, telling him I was sorry for yelling, but he needed to believe me when I said I was doing everything possible from this end, and tht he wasn't listening to me. And then he called me back and was a lot more reasonable. Obviously having spoken with his wife. I was so frustrated I nearly ran into someone in the grocery store while on the phone with him. Heh.

According to Barbara, dance is primarily about sensation - making the audience have sensation - I like this a lot.

Also, I am beginning to feel an increase in my core strength, not just in my chest and arms and legs. it's great!

Anyway, c'est ca for now. See you again soon!

I could do lifts today! Maybe it was something about the bottle of wine and the fantastic split pea soup I had last night, or maybe it was something about the fact that I nearly burst out crying a grillion times, or maybe it was just talking it out on here and with some friends, about how useless I felt yesterday.

But today I could do some of them. My back hurts a bit, but I think that's a matter of just engaging my pelvic floor.

Today's class and rehearsal were less hellish than I thought they would be, which is a relief. They changed it from four and a half hours to four, and tomorrow's rehearsal from two and a half to three. It's a much more reasonable distribution, I think. And although Zero to the Power (the piece based on the Inferno) is an hour and ten minutes, I think it might not be an hour and ten minutes of completely crazy physicality. Some of it is crazy, but not all. And Elysian Fields, (the one based on the Paradiso) starts off slowly, but then gets difficult at the end, so that's fair enough.

Does anybody care about this?

My friend got fired, keep an eye out on the Grey City Manifesto. I'm very curious to see her (excellent) writing on this subject.

rh, I'll give you a hint....you should have read his play by now.
Also, I'm going to call you on Saturday, because there is absolutely no way I can address all your points in my present communications dilemma. It's overwhelming. Prepare a list of all that we need to talk about. Seriously.

So, yesterday, I had a not so great rehearsal. Just very much a beginning of the process rehearsal. Sticky, and difficult, and too a good bit out of me. And I was frustrated, but at the end of the day, I went home and felt better. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell were making me feel better.

And today was awesome. A fantastic class, and a fantastic rehearsal. I started getting the emotional part of the "Paradiso" section, and it has an amazing effect on my dancing.







...

Then we started doing lifts. And it is painfully obvious that I am not strong enough. Not at all. Definitely not. I felt very hopeless, and I nearly burst out crying several times. Of course, that would be no good, because I could have it waaaay worse. One of the other dancers broke her foot today. Or maybe she did something else. She could walk on it, but it cracked pretty loudly when she was coming down from a lift. She was going to the hospital.

Anyway, I felt very hopeless, because I couldn't get anything right. And it was a thing. Like "Matthew needs to strengthen himself, because he can't do a blessed thing". It was just a good hit to my ego, and I also don't trust myself all that much, and I feel like I'm putting my partner in jepoardy by lifting her. It's awful.

Jay wants me to go to the gym and then a yoga class with him on Sunday. Lordy. I'm going to be dead. But at least I'll be hot.

"Pert tits and a tight butt just so you can plunge down a crack in the earth with confidence."

I love him. I love the boy. I love him.

I think about him, and I burst into sound. I was walking down the street today, and suddenly saw his face in my mind, and said out loud "God he's beautiful!" I called him. I hardly know what to do with myself about him. He's beautiful. I can see dogs and a vegetable garden. And comfort, and morning coffee.

I wonder if he'll come to see the show.

I had my first rehearsal today! I love it. I looooooooove it. I, love, it. I, LOVE, IT!

I can hardly walk. It's only Monday. I'm the only boy in the show, which is sort of weird and funny. Pay is every two weeks. This suits me fine. I hope that I will get lifted.

Barbara said today that my challenges are "dynamic" and "feet". Good to know. I know this already, I think, though. Skating, and .....skating. No, not completely, on the dynamic side of things, that's some personal issues. Which are not independent of skating, but are also not completely and directly blameable. Is that a word?

Alright. My session is about to end, and I'm desiring a HUGE plate of pasta.

I had a call today from the understudy of the show I'm doing, and she said I was a beautiful dancer, and wished me luck for the start of rehearsals tomorrow. She and I have been in contact a bit, since she does some administrative work for Kokoro. I was very surprised and very touched to hear this. It's the sort of thing that people might say amongst themselves about someone, but not necessarily say directly to them. She absolutely didn't have to do that, and it made me feel a little more at ease about going into my first dance rehearsals tomorrow.

God I'm excited about this! I cannot wait to start!

Shining Heart!

I love this. I love dancing every day. I love it. I felt all gross this morning, and felt like I didn't want to go to class, and I'm poor, and didn't want to spend money, then I went, and it was amazing.

My teacher uses this phrase: "shining heart, Matthew!" It makes me open up my heart. It's the antidote to years of soul killing figure skating, and three years of studio work where all they encouraged was the negative side of things. This show I'm going to be working on is dark, but the fact that in the midst of that, I'm being encouraged to be open hearted feels like it carries the possibility of healing all the crap from skating.

I love this.

And my body hurts like a bitch, but it's awesome. I feel like a living human being. I just need a job to make me solvent, and a land line, and I'll be set.

My friends are going away for Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm going to take care of their kick ass dog, Tori, and be on their internet. Yay! And live in North Vancouver for a weekend. Maybe I can get the Vancouver cutie to come up for the weekend.....we'll see. He might be doing things with friends.

Anywayyy.......I love this!

And, no I'm not coming back east soon, Luigi. December is soon.

I just got a library membership at the good old VPL. There is free internet with massive wait times! Yay! Massive wait times! Even greater yay! Free internet!!!!! No messenger, but what can you do? It's better than nothing. Which is what I'm getting from Rogers right now. :)

I started modern classes this week. It's sooooooooooooooooo good. It, is, so, good. It makes me want to stay and work forever. It makes me want to be a movement teacher, a little bit.

I had a lovely response from several friends offering to give me money. Or lend me money. I can't say yes to that, but the thoughts were really excellent, and make me smile. Gah. Soon I'll be getting paid. I'm looking forward to that.

I miss my boyfriend. What else is new? His birthday was on Thursday, and I spoke with him. He made that purring, Eartha Kitt sound. I'd forgotten about that a little bit. He's lovely. I wish he was a little more demonstrative. It hurts my feelings a little bit that he tells me to get a man while I'm here. I know we agreed to it, but in a way, I'd prefer to just pine over him. I can do the "no sex for eight months" thing. Please! I did the "no sex for a year and a half" thing! I did the "no sex for 20 years" thing!! So we'll see. There is a fellow here that I like. He makes me smile, and we went on a midnight walk the other night. And he's cute, and sort of anti-social. And has nice forearms. I've been on a series of dates. Some fantastic, and some horrendous, but I find that I'm alway thinking about my boy back home.

I'm scared that this is all for naught, and that he isn't going to want me when I come back to Toronto. And then I also have these amazing classes that I'm taking, and it makes me want to stay for more than eight months. But I don't really want to live here.

I am all over the place.

Now there's a crazy homeless person mumbling next to me.

I can't wait to have a land line and be able to call my dad!

See you soon.

Just so everyone knows, I may or may not be online for a good long while. Telus is on strike, Rogers is at their mercy, and they all just decided not to hook up my land line yesterday. When I called (and was on hold for 45 minutes), the answer I got was "yeah, we'll call you when we know when they might decide that they feel like hooking up your land line". Fantastic. I'm happy. I'm going to go throw plates now. See you in five months when my land line gets connected.

So, somebody say something exciting.....

I'M BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING SKULL!

I'M BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING SKULL!

I just reached a new level. I miss my boy a lot. I just had an msn conversation with him, and for the first time, it was really unsatisfying. Oh, I'd love to burst out crying in this internet cafe.

Yes. It's September Eleventh.

Terror is such a part of all of our lives now, that I can hardly mention it. Yes. I'm selfish and awful. Or no I'm not, because I try to put all my terror in my art.

Well, that was disappointing! No Hugh Jackman. No cheating on the man I love with Hugh Jackman. The biggest celebrity was Sinbad. And Vicki Gabreau. That woman is like a cube. Also, there was someone there that looked EXACTLY like X the pussy. Okay, anyway, yeah, it was sort of fun. I saw two sets of people pay $100 000 each to go see Barbra Streisand play at David Foster's house in LA. I was spotting the auction, and felt like screaming to the bidders: "take me with you, and I'll do ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!

And then I had martinis with the most fabulous woman in Vancouver, who I'm now in love with. She said she'd show me her shoe wall. I said I'd burst out crying.

I think I saw David Bowie on the street today.

And on Saturday, there's a very real possibility that I'm going to meet Hugh Jackman. I'm volunteering at a fundraiser. Crap! I need to get my business cards printed up pronto! I met a countertenor today.

I wish Hugh Jackman liked the boys. I'd like to get naked with Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman Hugh Jackman Hugh Jackman. Mmmm. He's tall.

I love Judy Garland. I don't care how much of a cliche it is. She's kick ass. Her singing is kick ass, and I'm listening obsessively to the Live at Carnegie Hall album, that a certain friend gave to me, and she's hi-larious!

Also, I strongly recommend listening to the banter between her and Barbara Streisand from her variety show, talking about how much they hate one another. It's gold.

Listen to it!! LISTEN TO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have nothing to say, except I'm dying of no home internet.

I got my rehearsal schedule, and there are fewer weeks than I thought, but a greater rate of pay so that's good. And I have free classes at the dance company until mid-November, which is pretty sweet. Yay!

13 September I get my actual internet, and then, I think by the end of the month, I should be able to get the new computer. Thank you Jesus, sweet Lord in Heaven.

See you guys soon.

And, I spoke with the French-Canadian, and things seem to be okay. I miss him already. The smell of him. Plus he's beautiful.

God this is awful and wonderful. I'll be able to put it in my art....I hope.

WHY IS SPRINT/ROGERS/FIDO/THE DEVIL soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad at customer service??????

huh?
Huh?????
HUH???????????

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?