Thursday, December 08, 2005
Me
What is it that I'm mourning here? I'm mourning that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, that I was right about him; mourning the loss of feeling coupled and completed. All of these are illusory. I'm mourning my illusions. Except that I was right about him. Even that. It's more that I was right about myself, and that is illusory as a discovery, since I knew this already
My faith in love is not shaken. I had been thinking for a while that this particular love was a poor shadow of the love that I know exists, because it exists in me. For my pattern on this, see the post entitled "Empathy." Epectasis is my mode of desire, and a blithe and bonny flirtationsness such as Ben's is flattened utterly in the face of that. I knew this, but was hoping it wouldn't be the case. Perhaps next time, to be kind, useful and true, I can be less cowardly, and when I know it to be the case, as I knew in my dark heart that Ben could not possibly match my intensity, I can do something about it - be more communicative about the fact that I need someone who can jump off a cliff with me. Semantics, I know: I hope in future not to protect "myself," but to protect the ability to love - not throwing it indiscriminately at people who don't have the palette for it. Cast not pearls before swine, as my namesake admonishes. Not that Ben is swine, but more that casting the pearl of my love before him was a miscast on my part. And an avoidable one.
My faith in love is not shaken. I had been thinking for a while that this particular love was a poor shadow of the love that I know exists, because it exists in me. For my pattern on this, see the post entitled "Empathy." Epectasis is my mode of desire, and a blithe and bonny flirtationsness such as Ben's is flattened utterly in the face of that. I knew this, but was hoping it wouldn't be the case. Perhaps next time, to be kind, useful and true, I can be less cowardly, and when I know it to be the case, as I knew in my dark heart that Ben could not possibly match my intensity, I can do something about it - be more communicative about the fact that I need someone who can jump off a cliff with me. Semantics, I know: I hope in future not to protect "myself," but to protect the ability to love - not throwing it indiscriminately at people who don't have the palette for it. Cast not pearls before swine, as my namesake admonishes. Not that Ben is swine, but more that casting the pearl of my love before him was a miscast on my part. And an avoidable one.
// posted by MSR @ 7:17 PM 
Comments:
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mattie, you deserve someone as passionate and fearless as yourself, and if the long-distance test has proven he's not worthy, so be it. better to find out now than later, i suppose.
and good for you for not completely falling under the siren song of love's promise and putting your dreams on hold for him!
i'm sending good vibes your way, but i truly believe that love enriches the soul, even if it doesn't work out...
s.
and good for you for not completely falling under the siren song of love's promise and putting your dreams on hold for him!
i'm sending good vibes your way, but i truly believe that love enriches the soul, even if it doesn't work out...
s.
# posted by 
: 9:24 AM
: 9:24 AM
Thanks, Sal.
To be completely cliche about it, I think that it's not the right love for me if he can't stomach 8 months. I have a feeling this is going to be my life - full of travel for exciting contracts. I need someone who can deal with the fact that I going to be all over the map. There were many things I valued greatly about him, but if he can't do this, he's not for me.
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To be completely cliche about it, I think that it's not the right love for me if he can't stomach 8 months. I have a feeling this is going to be my life - full of travel for exciting contracts. I need someone who can deal with the fact that I going to be all over the map. There were many things I valued greatly about him, but if he can't do this, he's not for me.
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