Sunday, July 16, 2006
Good things
1. The apartment to which I am moving. Furnished by books on Classics and German History, and the OLD and OGD in their entireties. With a woodburning fireplace.
2. The prospect of moving back to Vancouver, and having enough money to do so with ease.
3. The prospect of a gig with the interdisciplinary opera company from Victoria for which I auditioned last year (see November/December posts).
4. The eradication of my consumer debt as of the end of August.
5. The probability that I will receive interest relief on my student loan.
6. My teaching gig that I'm really enjoying.
7. The interest I've received in a butoh class that I would teach.
8. My positive interview with a retailer, and consequent possibility of extra cash.
2. The prospect of moving back to Vancouver, and having enough money to do so with ease.
3. The prospect of a gig with the interdisciplinary opera company from Victoria for which I auditioned last year (see November/December posts).
4. The eradication of my consumer debt as of the end of August.
5. The probability that I will receive interest relief on my student loan.
6. My teaching gig that I'm really enjoying.
7. The interest I've received in a butoh class that I would teach.
8. My positive interview with a retailer, and consequent possibility of extra cash.
Maternity
I'm going to be a mother!
To myself.
I recently confirmed, though I suspected it before, that my mother has undersold this condo by about $10k less than the going rate for two-bedroom units in this complex.
I don't know why I should be surprised that she would do something like this. If there is one thing that I have learned from this last four years of wretch, it is that my mother is a closed door in all ways. Financially, emotionally, affectionately, intellectually, perceptually. My impulse is to sever ties from her. I find myself allowing her to dig her hole very very deeply. Which is a cowardly action. I am letting her blithely build up her offences so I will have a good reason to decisively sever ties when the time comes. The more challenging thing to do, is to quiet my mind and forgive her. And more desireable, ultimately. This is an actual challenge to focus and quietude. Not any more severe than usual to forgiveness though. She has presented a particularly difficult challenge in that department for the past few years especially.
But the question that I ask is this: is severing ties mutually exclusive from forgiving her? I know that she would continue on her current course even if she knew I knew what she is doing. Do I need to continue to bang my head against that door when I know there won't be an answer? Do I choose deliberate ignorance? How do I forgive her for something I find particularly unforgivable (not the 10k thing; the alienation of affection etc)? I know the answer to the deliberate ignorance question. It's out of the question. I need to act with the knowledge that this is her. The question is then, is it worth it to try to affect change in her? And the underlying question is this: do I still have hope in Humanity? Is my mother Humanity? No. Can I retain my faith in the human race, and release my faith in my mother's ability to be good and upright? If I release that, what does she become? Does she become less than human? Is it my duty to shepherd my mother back to a good life? What is my filial duty? If I give up on her, am I committing the sin of despair? If I give up on her, does if affect my ability to forgive her? Do I have to allow her to be as she is to forgive her? Do I have to be this disappointed in her, or can I let her be as she is? Do I be the shepherd, or the father awaiting the return of the prodigal son, hoping he will come back, but thinking he will not?
To myself.
I recently confirmed, though I suspected it before, that my mother has undersold this condo by about $10k less than the going rate for two-bedroom units in this complex.
I don't know why I should be surprised that she would do something like this. If there is one thing that I have learned from this last four years of wretch, it is that my mother is a closed door in all ways. Financially, emotionally, affectionately, intellectually, perceptually. My impulse is to sever ties from her. I find myself allowing her to dig her hole very very deeply. Which is a cowardly action. I am letting her blithely build up her offences so I will have a good reason to decisively sever ties when the time comes. The more challenging thing to do, is to quiet my mind and forgive her. And more desireable, ultimately. This is an actual challenge to focus and quietude. Not any more severe than usual to forgiveness though. She has presented a particularly difficult challenge in that department for the past few years especially.
But the question that I ask is this: is severing ties mutually exclusive from forgiving her? I know that she would continue on her current course even if she knew I knew what she is doing. Do I need to continue to bang my head against that door when I know there won't be an answer? Do I choose deliberate ignorance? How do I forgive her for something I find particularly unforgivable (not the 10k thing; the alienation of affection etc)? I know the answer to the deliberate ignorance question. It's out of the question. I need to act with the knowledge that this is her. The question is then, is it worth it to try to affect change in her? And the underlying question is this: do I still have hope in Humanity? Is my mother Humanity? No. Can I retain my faith in the human race, and release my faith in my mother's ability to be good and upright? If I release that, what does she become? Does she become less than human? Is it my duty to shepherd my mother back to a good life? What is my filial duty? If I give up on her, am I committing the sin of despair? If I give up on her, does if affect my ability to forgive her? Do I have to allow her to be as she is to forgive her? Do I have to be this disappointed in her, or can I let her be as she is? Do I be the shepherd, or the father awaiting the return of the prodigal son, hoping he will come back, but thinking he will not?
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Fido
As a result of Fido being a total pile of crap, I will starve this week.
Thank you, Fido.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Correct
There's no point in doing anything if you're not going to do it right. I can slack off on my alignment in stretching and in the weight room, but then I'm just going to get murtalized by Barbara Bourget when I get back to Vancouver.
I think I'm going to apply to kitchen stores.
I think I'm going to apply to kitchen stores.
Dream
I remeber only a little bit about it, but I went back to Ottawa, but 2 years before I started working at Domus, so 1997. But I had the key to the store, and I was in the store before it opened and Kat was concerned that I was there. And Carolyn had purple hair.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
Stuck
Why can I do nothing but sit around and mope?
I should really be looking for a job, fundraising for the show....doing SOMETHING with myself.
I should really be looking for a job, fundraising for the show....doing SOMETHING with myself.
Sufjan
Mattie: My mother is God's gift to my patience. says: (10:37:27 AM)
I'm thinking that I might vow celibacy for a while. I'm tired of looking for a partner.

Kevin the Burninator. says: (10:38:17 AM)
:s

Mattie: My mother is God's gift to my patience. says: (10:38:18 AM)
Until Sufjan Stevens meets me and decides he wants to spend his life with me, I should just focus on work.

Kevin the Burninator. says: (10:38:46 AM)
probably - that is wise

Mattie: My mother is God's gift to my patience. says: (10:39:51 AM)
what is? waiting for sufjan?

Kevin the Burninator. says: (10:40:17 AM)
no getting on with your career while the universe organizes your meeting with sufjan

Mattie: My mother is God's gift to my patience. says: (10:40:46 AM)
right.

Mattie: My mother is God's gift to my patience. says: (10:40:58 AM)
I like your way of putting it.

Kevin the Burninator. says: (10:41:54 AM)
yes

Saturday, July 01, 2006
Synonyms
