Thursday, April 27, 2006
Twist
Just when you think you have everything under control.
So, Saturday was the day I was all set to return to Toronto. A month for fundraiser preparations, and settling back in to my life in Toe-Ron-Toe.
Then, in my inbox this morning, a bomb.
A casting director for an upcoming Bollywood movie saw me in Sunyata, and asked Barbara for my contact information. She gave it to him, but warned that I was leaving Saturday, so would not be in town - however, if the pay was good enough, I might be convinced to change my ticket. Well, the pay is good enough (!!). It's probably a four day shoot (minimum), but might go up to as many as eight, and in either case, it's more than half of my mortgage and condo fee payments, so will help out immensely. Plus, my vanity couldn't resist it. Plus it's Bollywood! Plus it's another dance and film credit on the good old c.v.
Who would say no to that?
Pas moi.
So, Saturday was the day I was all set to return to Toronto. A month for fundraiser preparations, and settling back in to my life in Toe-Ron-Toe.
Then, in my inbox this morning, a bomb.
A casting director for an upcoming Bollywood movie saw me in Sunyata, and asked Barbara for my contact information. She gave it to him, but warned that I was leaving Saturday, so would not be in town - however, if the pay was good enough, I might be convinced to change my ticket. Well, the pay is good enough (!!). It's probably a four day shoot (minimum), but might go up to as many as eight, and in either case, it's more than half of my mortgage and condo fee payments, so will help out immensely. Plus, my vanity couldn't resist it. Plus it's Bollywood! Plus it's another dance and film credit on the good old c.v.
Who would say no to that?
Pas moi.
Monday, April 24, 2006
A Second
Today I had The Meeting With Barbara
...
...
...
She and Jay gave me an umbrella that has some angels on it, with a card with an image of wreck beach that says "Dear Mattie, A small gift from us so that you will always remember your time in the rainforest, the angels of Sunyata and the power and awakening of a kiss [the umbrella has two angels kissing on it]. We will miss you muchly. But you will return -- Right? Love Barbara and Jay"
Yeah!
She said things like "Oh Matthew, we'd hire you back in a second" and "we were so happy with your work and your development - I could tell when I first met you that you are an open [she made an 'open heart' gesture] artist." So I am coming back! Looks like January, although the timing isn't confirmed, but probably January to June, in which time I would do the VIDF piece, and also the workshop for the interdisciplinary piece, and also work on some vocabulary for the butoh strip piece with Ronya. Then I'd come back again in the fall for maybe six weeks to do the actual interdisciplinary show. Ah! Thank God for art. Barbara suggested that my father needs to see me dance, so he can understand why I'm pursuing this. One of the other dancers in the piece, one who I admire greatly, her mother came to see the piece in Victoria, not having seen her daughter dance for about ten years, and it was apparently a great epiphany for her and she offered to help the dancer pay off her student loans. Something she'd not offered before. Anyway enough about parent. More important is that I am coming back, and have fourteen consecutive months, and nearly sixteen months all told of the next two years mapped out. Yeah! And if I get myself into a production of that interdisciplinary company in Victoria, that would mean even mrore $$ for doing the work I love - namely, ART!!!
...
...
...
She and Jay gave me an umbrella that has some angels on it, with a card with an image of wreck beach that says "Dear Mattie, A small gift from us so that you will always remember your time in the rainforest, the angels of Sunyata and the power and awakening of a kiss [the umbrella has two angels kissing on it]. We will miss you muchly. But you will return -- Right? Love Barbara and Jay"
Yeah!
She said things like "Oh Matthew, we'd hire you back in a second" and "we were so happy with your work and your development - I could tell when I first met you that you are an open [she made an 'open heart' gesture] artist." So I am coming back! Looks like January, although the timing isn't confirmed, but probably January to June, in which time I would do the VIDF piece, and also the workshop for the interdisciplinary piece, and also work on some vocabulary for the butoh strip piece with Ronya. Then I'd come back again in the fall for maybe six weeks to do the actual interdisciplinary show. Ah! Thank God for art. Barbara suggested that my father needs to see me dance, so he can understand why I'm pursuing this. One of the other dancers in the piece, one who I admire greatly, her mother came to see the piece in Victoria, not having seen her daughter dance for about ten years, and it was apparently a great epiphany for her and she offered to help the dancer pay off her student loans. Something she'd not offered before. Anyway enough about parent. More important is that I am coming back, and have fourteen consecutive months, and nearly sixteen months all told of the next two years mapped out. Yeah! And if I get myself into a production of that interdisciplinary company in Victoria, that would mean even mrore $$ for doing the work I love - namely, ART!!!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Dance! (Bo Bee Boo Beeee Boop!) Dance, Dance, DANCE!! (and opera)
I think that technique is almost completely image based. I believe that is a general statement that applies to theatre and film and dance equally well. I mean you have to have a little strength and proprioceptive awareness thrown in for good measure, but any improvement I've made in my dance technique in the past year has been based completely in resonant images that Barbara and Jay and other teachers and fellow dancers have supplied, or that I have generated myself. Of course, this successive revelation of images was concurrent with a rapid and marked increase in strength and muscle mass, and also an increase in my awareness of and confidence in my body's capabilities. But it was when connected to image that I always got a YES!! from Barbara or some quiet appreciation from Jay.
So, Barbara said she wasn't going to do auditions next year. This is a good thing. Means that I don't have to come here at some inconvenient time for an audition for a piece in which I may or may not end up participating. More information on the upcoming year: They are planning on doing one piece at the Festival, and it would open the festival, which would mean a certain amount of work, and a completion of it by the beginning of March, assuming of course I get in. So, more time to generate Butoh strip vocabulary with Ronya. The other piece they want to do is an interdisciplinary work, and that....that.....that....is very exciting. They would be fools not to cast me in that, considering the strength of my vocal work. But that could be in the fall of 07. Maybe I could schedule Torless around that, and go back and forth a few times, if they would have me. Interdisciplinary work. Ah!
Speaking of, I saw The Third Taboo last night, which was the piece for which I auditioned the day after Ben broke up with me. It was in fact pretty good. I was thinking it might have been just awful. The text with which they auditioned me was pretty bad, but the actors were able to bring it to life in a convincing way. And other than the fellow playing the role that I got but couldn't do, they were all opera singers, and I cringed very little at the acting. I think the artistic directors of that company are fantastic, and I was glad to see them encouraging opera singers toward some sort of satisfying and emotionally connected acting work. Great to see, and totally vital. The fellow playing my role ends up being a friend of Lopa's, who she admires greatly. He was very good, and also very cute. Greek. Yum. A bottom though. Oh well. Not as good as me, but I guess that's why I was the first choice. I'm FANTASTIC. His performance suffered from that perennial problem I associate with physical actors and dancers: weak weak weak vocal work. It reminds me to get myself into voice classes upon my return to Toronto. Maybe with Rae. At PAL? We'll see. I'd be curious to see how I work with Rae outside of the York University context. I'll give her a call when I get back into town.
I went to the doctor, and got some antibiotics perscribed for these wretched tonsils. Hopefully they help! I'm going to go pick them up now, in fact.
See you later.
So, Barbara said she wasn't going to do auditions next year. This is a good thing. Means that I don't have to come here at some inconvenient time for an audition for a piece in which I may or may not end up participating. More information on the upcoming year: They are planning on doing one piece at the Festival, and it would open the festival, which would mean a certain amount of work, and a completion of it by the beginning of March, assuming of course I get in. So, more time to generate Butoh strip vocabulary with Ronya. The other piece they want to do is an interdisciplinary work, and that....that.....that....is very exciting. They would be fools not to cast me in that, considering the strength of my vocal work. But that could be in the fall of 07. Maybe I could schedule Torless around that, and go back and forth a few times, if they would have me. Interdisciplinary work. Ah!
Speaking of, I saw The Third Taboo last night, which was the piece for which I auditioned the day after Ben broke up with me. It was in fact pretty good. I was thinking it might have been just awful. The text with which they auditioned me was pretty bad, but the actors were able to bring it to life in a convincing way. And other than the fellow playing the role that I got but couldn't do, they were all opera singers, and I cringed very little at the acting. I think the artistic directors of that company are fantastic, and I was glad to see them encouraging opera singers toward some sort of satisfying and emotionally connected acting work. Great to see, and totally vital. The fellow playing my role ends up being a friend of Lopa's, who she admires greatly. He was very good, and also very cute. Greek. Yum. A bottom though. Oh well. Not as good as me, but I guess that's why I was the first choice. I'm FANTASTIC. His performance suffered from that perennial problem I associate with physical actors and dancers: weak weak weak vocal work. It reminds me to get myself into voice classes upon my return to Toronto. Maybe with Rae. At PAL? We'll see. I'd be curious to see how I work with Rae outside of the York University context. I'll give her a call when I get back into town.
I went to the doctor, and got some antibiotics perscribed for these wretched tonsils. Hopefully they help! I'm going to go pick them up now, in fact.
See you later.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Reject
Well, I have a feeling that my agent is going to drop me when I get back to Toronto. This is the e-mail I sent her, alerting her of my return to the city:
Hiya!
I just thought I'd send a note to say hello and tell you that I am on my way back into the city. My plane arrives late on the 29th, and then I'm back back back. I've got a whole bunch of stuff going on, but little of it should interfere with being able to send me out for auditions.
Here's the stuff I've got going on:
When I arrive back, we're launching my theatre company with a fundraiser and launch party on either the 24th or 25th of May (depending on venue - I'll send you an invitation when we have the details 100% confirmed). You can check out the temp website at www.thistleproject.ca. The fully interactive site is going to be launched the same day as the official company launch. That day will be a write off, as I'm sure I'll be organising and running around like a madman all day.
If I can sell my condo in time, and get a good chunk of change, I'm going to return to Vancouver for two weeks to do a workshop with Kokoro (say, 9-24 July)
Then, we've scheduled the workshop for my company's piece (Gorey Story) from 25 July to 6 August. This will be during the day (10-5), so I won't be available during that time.
Then, we're starting rehearsals proper on ... still it's a bit up in the air, but maybe the 7th of October, with daytime rehearsals again. The show goes up on Halloween, and will run until 18 November.
However, my days will be occupied again from 13 November (possibly 6 November, but I somehow think this won't happen) until possibly 7 December, and then I'll have evening performances from 7 December to 16 December, with Theatre Rusticle, on their piece The Stronger Variations. I'm really excited about this contract. It's exactly the type of work I like to do - physical, multi-disciplinary theatre.
That's about all that's planned right now. There are some other things going on, but I can work them around auditions. Perhaps we can set up a time, if you'd like and I can show you the pictures that Tim Leyes took before I left Toronto. My hair is shorter right now, but they're pretty useful, I think.
I hope this finds you well, and I'll talk with you soon. I look forward to visiting you when I get back.
Love,
Mattie
All very exciting. Here's the response I got:
hi matthew.
hope this finds you well.
i am thrilled to hear things are healthy and productive for you...
however, i am somewhat concerned, having just taken in your email...
it's my thinking that you and i have a sit down and chat about our plans...
give me a call.
agent
Perhaps this is not the time for me to have an agent anyway. If I'm going to be splitting my time between Toronto and Vancouver for the next few years (I hope), getting Thistle off the ground, and pursuing public funding to develop my own movement vocabulary for a series of dance pieces including the butoh strip piece and the Paradise Lost piece, going out for Business Depot and East Side Mario's commercials might be more of an encumberance than a help, no matter how lucrative they are. The other thing I was thinking was that I could offer butoh classes, regular classes, like twice a week, maybe once a week at first, either through Thistle, or maybe I could approach EST about hiring me on as a teacher. This would be ideal. It would be an income source, a way to keep up my practice as a butoh artist, and it's my own freelance work, so I can do it whenever I'm in town. This would be ideal. And twice a week, in the evenings would mean that I could still have most evenings free for a night job.
Hiya!
I just thought I'd send a note to say hello and tell you that I am on my way back into the city. My plane arrives late on the 29th, and then I'm back back back. I've got a whole bunch of stuff going on, but little of it should interfere with being able to send me out for auditions.
Here's the stuff I've got going on:
When I arrive back, we're launching my theatre company with a fundraiser and launch party on either the 24th or 25th of May (depending on venue - I'll send you an invitation when we have the details 100% confirmed). You can check out the temp website at www.thistleproject.ca. The fully interactive site is going to be launched the same day as the official company launch. That day will be a write off, as I'm sure I'll be organising and running around like a madman all day.
If I can sell my condo in time, and get a good chunk of change, I'm going to return to Vancouver for two weeks to do a workshop with Kokoro (say, 9-24 July)
Then, we've scheduled the workshop for my company's piece (Gorey Story) from 25 July to 6 August. This will be during the day (10-5), so I won't be available during that time.
Then, we're starting rehearsals proper on ... still it's a bit up in the air, but maybe the 7th of October, with daytime rehearsals again. The show goes up on Halloween, and will run until 18 November.
However, my days will be occupied again from 13 November (possibly 6 November, but I somehow think this won't happen) until possibly 7 December, and then I'll have evening performances from 7 December to 16 December, with Theatre Rusticle, on their piece The Stronger Variations. I'm really excited about this contract. It's exactly the type of work I like to do - physical, multi-disciplinary theatre.
That's about all that's planned right now. There are some other things going on, but I can work them around auditions. Perhaps we can set up a time, if you'd like and I can show you the pictures that Tim Leyes took before I left Toronto. My hair is shorter right now, but they're pretty useful, I think.
I hope this finds you well, and I'll talk with you soon. I look forward to visiting you when I get back.
Love,
Mattie
All very exciting. Here's the response I got:
hi matthew.
hope this finds you well.
i am thrilled to hear things are healthy and productive for you...
however, i am somewhat concerned, having just taken in your email...
it's my thinking that you and i have a sit down and chat about our plans...
give me a call.
agent
Perhaps this is not the time for me to have an agent anyway. If I'm going to be splitting my time between Toronto and Vancouver for the next few years (I hope), getting Thistle off the ground, and pursuing public funding to develop my own movement vocabulary for a series of dance pieces including the butoh strip piece and the Paradise Lost piece, going out for Business Depot and East Side Mario's commercials might be more of an encumberance than a help, no matter how lucrative they are. The other thing I was thinking was that I could offer butoh classes, regular classes, like twice a week, maybe once a week at first, either through Thistle, or maybe I could approach EST about hiring me on as a teacher. This would be ideal. It would be an income source, a way to keep up my practice as a butoh artist, and it's my own freelance work, so I can do it whenever I'm in town. This would be ideal. And twice a week, in the evenings would mean that I could still have most evenings free for a night job.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Reasons and Questions
The reasons I want to work with Kokoro again:
I loved it.
I enjoyed the process - it was artistically the most fulfilled I've been as an interpreter of someone else's work (probably the most fulfilled I've been altogether was writing Gorey Story)
I like the outlook of the company, working with these particular people I learned a lot.
I feel like I'm not done learning for Jay and Barbara.
So, the question is, would they like to continue to work with me?
My contracts and responsibilities in Toronto take me at this point to the end of December, with a possible break in July to come back to Vancouver and do the Wreck Beach workshop with them, if I have the money available from the sale of my condo. Do they know yet what their year looks like? When would they be holding auditions? When rehearsals?
I loved it.
I enjoyed the process - it was artistically the most fulfilled I've been as an interpreter of someone else's work (probably the most fulfilled I've been altogether was writing Gorey Story)
I like the outlook of the company, working with these particular people I learned a lot.
I feel like I'm not done learning for Jay and Barbara.
So, the question is, would they like to continue to work with me?
My contracts and responsibilities in Toronto take me at this point to the end of December, with a possible break in July to come back to Vancouver and do the Wreck Beach workshop with them, if I have the money available from the sale of my condo. Do they know yet what their year looks like? When would they be holding auditions? When rehearsals?
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Torless 2
The movie is fantastic. It was reissued in 2005. I want to buy it. There's interest in it! It was a piece of German New Cinema - in fact one of the three movies that started the movement. Sooooooo fantastic. Well acted. Terrifying.
Robert Musil is nowhere to be found in stores. Grr. I'll have to order the freaking books. Although a series of his papers are to be published in May. That's exciting. "Posthumous Papers of a Living Author" is the title. Neat.
Grant got into an accident - his quad (I don't know really what kind of vehicle that is) turned over and he has broken ribs. Lord.
Robert Musil is nowhere to be found in stores. Grr. I'll have to order the freaking books. Although a series of his papers are to be published in May. That's exciting. "Posthumous Papers of a Living Author" is the title. Neat.
Grant got into an accident - his quad (I don't know really what kind of vehicle that is) turned over and he has broken ribs. Lord.
Callous
So my sister called me the other day to inform me that Paul Wirtz, my skating coach in Montreal, has died. He couldn't have been very old. I quit skating about ten years ago. He would have been in his early forties then, I imagine. Maybe 39 to 42. That range. So he would be in his early fifties now. What a tragedy, bla bla bla. I don't care. I don't care that this man is dead.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that we don't have a cure for hodgkinson's disease. I have an academic pity for those who loved him. But I won't miss this man at all, I don't feel that I lost any chance to contact him, or remain in contact with him, I don't feel I've lost a mentor. He was an abusive and stupid man that I was glad to have realised that I didn't need to be shackled to. When I realised that continuing to skate was actually my decision to control, and not my mother's or my father's or my skating coach's or the judges of the competitions or ANYONE but me, I felt so beautifully free.
He said things like "school is really important" to my parents, and directly contradicted that with me: "I don't care about school, you're here to skate." I was in grade eleven, a straight A student when I went there, and I was seriously considering dropping out of school. Appalling. He was a bad teacher, a bad mentor. His boyfriend was beautiful. That's about it.
In other news, I am concerned for my health, but have been debating telling my doctor when I get the check-up, that I had unprotected sex with the Vancouver asian. Gah. I know a lecture would be forthcoming, and I would deserve one, but I am already stressed enough for my doctor, myself and everyone else in my entire life. Any of the things I say to allay my fear (he seemed healthy, he told me he was negative, he had friends, he has a kid, he was in a long term relationship with someone, he pulled out) are all pale comforts. I feel like an idiot and I don't want to die.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that we don't have a cure for hodgkinson's disease. I have an academic pity for those who loved him. But I won't miss this man at all, I don't feel that I lost any chance to contact him, or remain in contact with him, I don't feel I've lost a mentor. He was an abusive and stupid man that I was glad to have realised that I didn't need to be shackled to. When I realised that continuing to skate was actually my decision to control, and not my mother's or my father's or my skating coach's or the judges of the competitions or ANYONE but me, I felt so beautifully free.
He said things like "school is really important" to my parents, and directly contradicted that with me: "I don't care about school, you're here to skate." I was in grade eleven, a straight A student when I went there, and I was seriously considering dropping out of school. Appalling. He was a bad teacher, a bad mentor. His boyfriend was beautiful. That's about it.
In other news, I am concerned for my health, but have been debating telling my doctor when I get the check-up, that I had unprotected sex with the Vancouver asian. Gah. I know a lecture would be forthcoming, and I would deserve one, but I am already stressed enough for my doctor, myself and everyone else in my entire life. Any of the things I say to allay my fear (he seemed healthy, he told me he was negative, he had friends, he has a kid, he was in a long term relationship with someone, he pulled out) are all pale comforts. I feel like an idiot and I don't want to die.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Torless!
It's Torless! Season Two of the Thistle Project: Torless! There was a movie in 1966. I wonder if it's subtitled.
Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless!
Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless! Torless!
Damaged Goods
I am definitely not out falling in love, as one of my friends suggested as a reason that everyone (including me) seems to have fallen off the face of the blogging planet. I am not planning my garden either, but I am planning on moving. Back to good ol' Toronto for 29 April. Lordy loo. Two weeks and I haven't started packing, or worrying about what I'm going to do with my bed and desk. However, they might get into storage at my building so that's kind of exciting.
But back to the main point, I am definitely not out falling in love. I finished my contract with the dance company, and now I've got time to actually think, and I'm feeling pretty ambiguous about love. Ben has been on my mind a bit, since the weather has been getting milder, and although I'm sure it wasn't right, I am still hurt by it, and I don't know how long it's going to be before I can love again. Before I can see myself in a relationship. I love Vancouver boy, but I'm beginning to realise how untenable that would be. And what else is untenable is what a snivelling watery piece of crap I become, who is totally unable to make a decision on my own, when I am relationship oriented with someone. Ugh. That's getting tired. And I have been seeing this one fellow who is totally nice, and pays for things and is pretty sexy, and treats me well. And somehow it's anathema to me. I have no desire to feed into his lovey affectionate stuff. It's turning my stomach and making me run in the other direction. I should tell him I guess. It could be because of my imminent departure, and I don't want to get attached to anyone and then have to leave. I don't know. I can't see anything happening in Toronto either. What is happening to me?
In other news, that nice, clingy fellow gave me a assage and suggested I get some moles on my back checked. I have a doctor's appointment for when I get back, so I'll have him check them then. Might as well do a whole work up. My testes are a bit sore. There's some information for you. I don't think it's from too much sex. I should get an STD check again as well. And maybe do something about these tonsils, since they've been swollen for two years.
That's it for now.
But back to the main point, I am definitely not out falling in love. I finished my contract with the dance company, and now I've got time to actually think, and I'm feeling pretty ambiguous about love. Ben has been on my mind a bit, since the weather has been getting milder, and although I'm sure it wasn't right, I am still hurt by it, and I don't know how long it's going to be before I can love again. Before I can see myself in a relationship. I love Vancouver boy, but I'm beginning to realise how untenable that would be. And what else is untenable is what a snivelling watery piece of crap I become, who is totally unable to make a decision on my own, when I am relationship oriented with someone. Ugh. That's getting tired. And I have been seeing this one fellow who is totally nice, and pays for things and is pretty sexy, and treats me well. And somehow it's anathema to me. I have no desire to feed into his lovey affectionate stuff. It's turning my stomach and making me run in the other direction. I should tell him I guess. It could be because of my imminent departure, and I don't want to get attached to anyone and then have to leave. I don't know. I can't see anything happening in Toronto either. What is happening to me?
In other news, that nice, clingy fellow gave me a assage and suggested I get some moles on my back checked. I have a doctor's appointment for when I get back, so I'll have him check them then. Might as well do a whole work up. My testes are a bit sore. There's some information for you. I don't think it's from too much sex. I should get an STD check again as well. And maybe do something about these tonsils, since they've been swollen for two years.
That's it for now.
