Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The Moon
The moon is low and bright and full in a light, wintry 4.30 sky. I'm listening to American Football, and thinking on Barbara's admonition that for communication to occur, the artist must transform.
I think I'm going to see Tilda Swinton being terrifying tonight.
I'm trying to breathe and appreciate my ability to feel through all of this. I think another facet of mourning in this case has to do with my excitement on how I was with him. That I was able to sleep in the same bed with him. That I was relatively uninhibited in our intimacy together. Those are in me. Although facilitated in my relations(not relations so much as the unfinished word "relationship") with him, they were my own "growings" or "breathings," ultimately independent of Ben, having more to do with a time ripe for a falling away of some of those issues than with Ben himself. I would be lying, however, if I said his relaxed attitude didn't help to facilitate those changes. But now that he's fallen away from me (I like that image), I am left with the fact that I changed.
I think I'm going to see Tilda Swinton being terrifying tonight.
I'm trying to breathe and appreciate my ability to feel through all of this. I think another facet of mourning in this case has to do with my excitement on how I was with him. That I was able to sleep in the same bed with him. That I was relatively uninhibited in our intimacy together. Those are in me. Although facilitated in my relations(not relations so much as the unfinished word "relationship") with him, they were my own "growings" or "breathings," ultimately independent of Ben, having more to do with a time ripe for a falling away of some of those issues than with Ben himself. I would be lying, however, if I said his relaxed attitude didn't help to facilitate those changes. But now that he's fallen away from me (I like that image), I am left with the fact that I changed.
// posted by MSR @ 4:25 PM 
