Sunday, October 09, 2005
Reflections of a dancer without reherasals
I had a conversation with my dad about his reaction to the structure of the relationship with Ben. I was rarin' for a fight. Or not a fight, but one of the in depth conversations with my father that make me believe that easier is very seldom better when it comes to .... well anything. And instead of being able to use my fabulous apologiae for the relationship, my dad just said "I fly off the handle, and I don't want you to stop being able to come to me, feeling uncomfortable about my reactions. I just want you to be happy and I don't want to see you hurt. Has this been bothering you?"
"....................yes."
"I'm glad you told me. It's okay."
Fantastic. It actually is fantastic. Just surprising.
I'm glad this ended well, however, it brings up for me the fact that it's very important for me to impress my father. Wow, big oedipal surprise ladies and gentlemen. But it is for me. Not that I want to impress him, but the all-pervasive nature of this impulse. I want my father to come to Vancouver to see the show I'm rehearsing, and I want him to be blown away by my work. I want him to be impressed by the gain in my strength. I want him to be happy for me in the relationship I'm beginning. Which is hard when I feel so untethered myself in the relationship (for example, when he says he's doing laundry and I shouldn't call him, I plunge myself into a hand-wringing frenzy). The moral of the story is, everything is about impressing my dad. How can I possibly get anything done when that's all I'm worried about?
On another note, I have found myself missing Ottawa pretty seriously in the last few days. I think it has something to do with the light fading earlier in the day, and the autumnal feeling in the air. There's something about that that brings Ottawa into my head. Also, this time of year I get especially nostalgic. Usually it's a bit earlier, but I've been so busy settling in that I haven't had the chance. This week off of reherasal has probably allowed me the temporal luxury of being able to miss my true home. Also, oddly, I miss Nick. I've been of the "good riddance" school of thought on him for the last while, and I suppose that practically, I still am. I don't think I did anything that needs apologies this time, and we were sort of drifting apart anyway, but I am nostalgic for the "good old days" when we had everything in common, and I hardly needed another friend in the world. He's insane, and it makes him unbearable, in the long run. However, I am finding myself suddenly attached to the memory of our friendship.
I saw a documentary on Pina Bausch's process for the piece "Breath", which was first presented in Istanbul in 2003. It makes me realise how much work I need to do. Lots. And looking at the process, it appears that the dancers are responsible for their own bodies. Very scary and exciting. Once again, it's harder, but it's better. It brings to my mind the fact that at the beginning of rehearsal, Barbara said I needed to work on dynamic. I don't really know what this means yet. Variety of dynamic. Going back to Gerry Trentham's use of the elements - this is another way of talking about varying dynamic. I need to ask him about this. It comes into emotional blocks that I have, which keep me very very watery. I am water. This is a rigidity of identification that has deleterious artistic effects.
"....................yes."
"I'm glad you told me. It's okay."
Fantastic. It actually is fantastic. Just surprising.
I'm glad this ended well, however, it brings up for me the fact that it's very important for me to impress my father. Wow, big oedipal surprise ladies and gentlemen. But it is for me. Not that I want to impress him, but the all-pervasive nature of this impulse. I want my father to come to Vancouver to see the show I'm rehearsing, and I want him to be blown away by my work. I want him to be impressed by the gain in my strength. I want him to be happy for me in the relationship I'm beginning. Which is hard when I feel so untethered myself in the relationship (for example, when he says he's doing laundry and I shouldn't call him, I plunge myself into a hand-wringing frenzy). The moral of the story is, everything is about impressing my dad. How can I possibly get anything done when that's all I'm worried about?
On another note, I have found myself missing Ottawa pretty seriously in the last few days. I think it has something to do with the light fading earlier in the day, and the autumnal feeling in the air. There's something about that that brings Ottawa into my head. Also, this time of year I get especially nostalgic. Usually it's a bit earlier, but I've been so busy settling in that I haven't had the chance. This week off of reherasal has probably allowed me the temporal luxury of being able to miss my true home. Also, oddly, I miss Nick. I've been of the "good riddance" school of thought on him for the last while, and I suppose that practically, I still am. I don't think I did anything that needs apologies this time, and we were sort of drifting apart anyway, but I am nostalgic for the "good old days" when we had everything in common, and I hardly needed another friend in the world. He's insane, and it makes him unbearable, in the long run. However, I am finding myself suddenly attached to the memory of our friendship.
I saw a documentary on Pina Bausch's process for the piece "Breath", which was first presented in Istanbul in 2003. It makes me realise how much work I need to do. Lots. And looking at the process, it appears that the dancers are responsible for their own bodies. Very scary and exciting. Once again, it's harder, but it's better. It brings to my mind the fact that at the beginning of rehearsal, Barbara said I needed to work on dynamic. I don't really know what this means yet. Variety of dynamic. Going back to Gerry Trentham's use of the elements - this is another way of talking about varying dynamic. I need to ask him about this. It comes into emotional blocks that I have, which keep me very very watery. I am water. This is a rigidity of identification that has deleterious artistic effects.
// posted by MSR @ 2:52 PM 
