Sunday, July 16, 2006
Maternity
I'm going to be a mother!
To myself.
I recently confirmed, though I suspected it before, that my mother has undersold this condo by about $10k less than the going rate for two-bedroom units in this complex.
I don't know why I should be surprised that she would do something like this. If there is one thing that I have learned from this last four years of wretch, it is that my mother is a closed door in all ways. Financially, emotionally, affectionately, intellectually, perceptually. My impulse is to sever ties from her. I find myself allowing her to dig her hole very very deeply. Which is a cowardly action. I am letting her blithely build up her offences so I will have a good reason to decisively sever ties when the time comes. The more challenging thing to do, is to quiet my mind and forgive her. And more desireable, ultimately. This is an actual challenge to focus and quietude. Not any more severe than usual to forgiveness though. She has presented a particularly difficult challenge in that department for the past few years especially.
But the question that I ask is this: is severing ties mutually exclusive from forgiving her? I know that she would continue on her current course even if she knew I knew what she is doing. Do I need to continue to bang my head against that door when I know there won't be an answer? Do I choose deliberate ignorance? How do I forgive her for something I find particularly unforgivable (not the 10k thing; the alienation of affection etc)? I know the answer to the deliberate ignorance question. It's out of the question. I need to act with the knowledge that this is her. The question is then, is it worth it to try to affect change in her? And the underlying question is this: do I still have hope in Humanity? Is my mother Humanity? No. Can I retain my faith in the human race, and release my faith in my mother's ability to be good and upright? If I release that, what does she become? Does she become less than human? Is it my duty to shepherd my mother back to a good life? What is my filial duty? If I give up on her, am I committing the sin of despair? If I give up on her, does if affect my ability to forgive her? Do I have to allow her to be as she is to forgive her? Do I have to be this disappointed in her, or can I let her be as she is? Do I be the shepherd, or the father awaiting the return of the prodigal son, hoping he will come back, but thinking he will not?
To myself.
I recently confirmed, though I suspected it before, that my mother has undersold this condo by about $10k less than the going rate for two-bedroom units in this complex.
I don't know why I should be surprised that she would do something like this. If there is one thing that I have learned from this last four years of wretch, it is that my mother is a closed door in all ways. Financially, emotionally, affectionately, intellectually, perceptually. My impulse is to sever ties from her. I find myself allowing her to dig her hole very very deeply. Which is a cowardly action. I am letting her blithely build up her offences so I will have a good reason to decisively sever ties when the time comes. The more challenging thing to do, is to quiet my mind and forgive her. And more desireable, ultimately. This is an actual challenge to focus and quietude. Not any more severe than usual to forgiveness though. She has presented a particularly difficult challenge in that department for the past few years especially.
But the question that I ask is this: is severing ties mutually exclusive from forgiving her? I know that she would continue on her current course even if she knew I knew what she is doing. Do I need to continue to bang my head against that door when I know there won't be an answer? Do I choose deliberate ignorance? How do I forgive her for something I find particularly unforgivable (not the 10k thing; the alienation of affection etc)? I know the answer to the deliberate ignorance question. It's out of the question. I need to act with the knowledge that this is her. The question is then, is it worth it to try to affect change in her? And the underlying question is this: do I still have hope in Humanity? Is my mother Humanity? No. Can I retain my faith in the human race, and release my faith in my mother's ability to be good and upright? If I release that, what does she become? Does she become less than human? Is it my duty to shepherd my mother back to a good life? What is my filial duty? If I give up on her, am I committing the sin of despair? If I give up on her, does if affect my ability to forgive her? Do I have to allow her to be as she is to forgive her? Do I have to be this disappointed in her, or can I let her be as she is? Do I be the shepherd, or the father awaiting the return of the prodigal son, hoping he will come back, but thinking he will not?
// posted by MSR @ 3:21 PM 
