The Living Centrifuge

I find myself getting over Ben. You might say "Lordy loo, Matthew, it's about bloody time!" but I am glad of it. And if you think about my modus operandi for this one, which was to not deal with it until I got back to Toronto except for the initial pain, then it's not that long. About six weeks, plus the three weeks of pain over the holidays. Not bad. I find myself still thinking about him, but the thoughts are less "I miss him, I loved him, I kind of want him back," and more "that was really beautiful while it lasted. The time I had with him was very romantic and lovely." I was on the streetcar yesterday, going down to my first life modelling session (which was fantastic by the way), and we passed Nassau Street and Kensington Market. On our first date, Ben and I walked through Kensington, and so when the driver mentioned it, I thought about him, and then I realised that the nature of our first date (that is, nomadic) means that there are landmarks through the city that will make me think of him. What this does is increase the texture of the city for me. I have a personal and intense connection to Kensington Market, that I didn't have when it was just a place to get groovy beads.

All this to say I will probably continue to think about him, but he has melded a little more into the landscape of the city for me, which makes the thoughts not depressing, as they have been, but instead "shimmering and lovely and sad."