The Living Centrifuge

Man, I'm totally out of control. I was on some stupid gay website, and came across an old profile of Ben's, that he had on there, and that he hadn't visited since October. AND it said that he was single, and he wasn't! He was seeing me! and who really cares anymore? who cares!!!! I'm soooooo tired of listening to myself whine about this, and yet, I'm totally out of control. And rudderless and I don't think he's online any longer, which just makes me think that he's probably entered into some sort of connubial bliss, which is wonderful for him, you know, like bully for you, ben. it's not so much about him, it's about the fact that it's a repeated pattern in my life that I don'tfjdkal;f have any control over. Like with my first boyfriend, Don and I. We started seeing one another at almost exactly the same time that a friend of mine started seeing her girlfriend. And that was like a HUNDRED years ago now. Okay, without exaggeration, it was exactly 9 years ago. 9 years! And what have I done in terms of relationships in the past 9 years? Like NOTHING. Just nothing. And Don went on to have some sort of blissful relationship. I don't know the destiny of the relationship, but he got out of the relationship with me, and the guy he started seeing next - they moved in together. You know what? good for you. Totally happy for you. M.John. same. broke up with me, played the field, while trying to make me think that he wanted me back so we could have sex together (a transparent ruse which I saw through, and used till I was finished with him), but you know, ended up dating some girl in his masters program. Fantastic. Like, great, good for you. It's what he always wanted - some girl to make his parents happy. So good for you. then ben, you know? Like same freaking thing. Fell out of love (!) with me, and directly into love with someone else, and great. Good for you. I want you to be happy. But fjdklas;fjdkl;asFUCK!!! I just can't help but compare myself to these people, and see that they've moved on from me. I don't seem to have stopped anyone's heart dead in its tracks, you know? but on the other side of the fence, I'm in a constant state of heartbreak. Like my heart stopped about ben. m.john. don. everyone. and everyone appears to be able to function in the world without me. there is no one in the world who would miss me if I was gone. I realise that's an exaggeration, but that's what it feels like. Oh, so dramatic, Matthew. So overdone and victorian. so invalid and convalescent of you. but it feels true. I know my father would miss me. christine. the world would go on without me. of course it would. it goes on without lots of people. but I want it to stop! I want to be ..... I dont know. I want someone to love me. god how pathetic. and tiresome. the problem is this: I'm not convinced that earthly love is unsatisfying. I keep hoping and hoping that someone will actually feel that for me, but it doesn't seem to happen. jfkdslssssssssssssssssssssssss. could someone that I love say it first? why is that so much to ask? god I'm exhausted.