Friday, April 14, 2006
Damaged Goods
I am definitely not out falling in love, as one of my friends suggested as a reason that everyone (including me) seems to have fallen off the face of the blogging planet. I am not planning my garden either, but I am planning on moving. Back to good ol' Toronto for 29 April. Lordy loo. Two weeks and I haven't started packing, or worrying about what I'm going to do with my bed and desk. However, they might get into storage at my building so that's kind of exciting.
But back to the main point, I am definitely not out falling in love. I finished my contract with the dance company, and now I've got time to actually think, and I'm feeling pretty ambiguous about love. Ben has been on my mind a bit, since the weather has been getting milder, and although I'm sure it wasn't right, I am still hurt by it, and I don't know how long it's going to be before I can love again. Before I can see myself in a relationship. I love Vancouver boy, but I'm beginning to realise how untenable that would be. And what else is untenable is what a snivelling watery piece of crap I become, who is totally unable to make a decision on my own, when I am relationship oriented with someone. Ugh. That's getting tired. And I have been seeing this one fellow who is totally nice, and pays for things and is pretty sexy, and treats me well. And somehow it's anathema to me. I have no desire to feed into his lovey affectionate stuff. It's turning my stomach and making me run in the other direction. I should tell him I guess. It could be because of my imminent departure, and I don't want to get attached to anyone and then have to leave. I don't know. I can't see anything happening in Toronto either. What is happening to me?
In other news, that nice, clingy fellow gave me a assage and suggested I get some moles on my back checked. I have a doctor's appointment for when I get back, so I'll have him check them then. Might as well do a whole work up. My testes are a bit sore. There's some information for you. I don't think it's from too much sex. I should get an STD check again as well. And maybe do something about these tonsils, since they've been swollen for two years.
That's it for now.
But back to the main point, I am definitely not out falling in love. I finished my contract with the dance company, and now I've got time to actually think, and I'm feeling pretty ambiguous about love. Ben has been on my mind a bit, since the weather has been getting milder, and although I'm sure it wasn't right, I am still hurt by it, and I don't know how long it's going to be before I can love again. Before I can see myself in a relationship. I love Vancouver boy, but I'm beginning to realise how untenable that would be. And what else is untenable is what a snivelling watery piece of crap I become, who is totally unable to make a decision on my own, when I am relationship oriented with someone. Ugh. That's getting tired. And I have been seeing this one fellow who is totally nice, and pays for things and is pretty sexy, and treats me well. And somehow it's anathema to me. I have no desire to feed into his lovey affectionate stuff. It's turning my stomach and making me run in the other direction. I should tell him I guess. It could be because of my imminent departure, and I don't want to get attached to anyone and then have to leave. I don't know. I can't see anything happening in Toronto either. What is happening to me?
In other news, that nice, clingy fellow gave me a assage and suggested I get some moles on my back checked. I have a doctor's appointment for when I get back, so I'll have him check them then. Might as well do a whole work up. My testes are a bit sore. There's some information for you. I don't think it's from too much sex. I should get an STD check again as well. And maybe do something about these tonsils, since they've been swollen for two years.
That's it for now.
// posted by MSR @ 3:36 PM 
