Monday, March 27, 2006
Dreams
Dream #1
Dori was driving me in a van to the airport, and we were on our way there and we got lost in a residential neighbourhood in the early morning, and it felt like we were going to be late, and then we were driving through wooden fences, and nearly driving over people, and I had to shout directions at Dori, but I didn't know where I was going.
Dream #2
I was sleeping in a room and there were people who came out of the chests of drawers and armoires and one of them had a vacuum cleaner that he used to beat me, and I got held under water and restrained and tortured, and it turned out that it was at the behest of my parents - they knew that it was happening and condoned it. I had to run away. I woke up with the distinct feeling that the dream was true. I'm not sure. I look at it now and it's metaphoric, but there's something disturbing in there. Is it about my abuse history, or is there something else that I don't know about, and don't remember?
Update 5.08pm: I remembered also that there was a dove caught in a cock fight, and both roosters were pecking at it and killing it, and I rescued it and ran away with it.
Dori was driving me in a van to the airport, and we were on our way there and we got lost in a residential neighbourhood in the early morning, and it felt like we were going to be late, and then we were driving through wooden fences, and nearly driving over people, and I had to shout directions at Dori, but I didn't know where I was going.
Dream #2
I was sleeping in a room and there were people who came out of the chests of drawers and armoires and one of them had a vacuum cleaner that he used to beat me, and I got held under water and restrained and tortured, and it turned out that it was at the behest of my parents - they knew that it was happening and condoned it. I had to run away. I woke up with the distinct feeling that the dream was true. I'm not sure. I look at it now and it's metaphoric, but there's something disturbing in there. Is it about my abuse history, or is there something else that I don't know about, and don't remember?
Update 5.08pm: I remembered also that there was a dove caught in a cock fight, and both roosters were pecking at it and killing it, and I rescued it and ran away with it.
// posted by MSR @ 8:04 AM 
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Wow, Mattie. I... I wish that wasn't true. I wish you, of all people, had never had to go through that.
Well thanks. It is of course not ideal, but also, it's part of who I am, and I might not trade it in, at this point. Like people who have addictions that they live through and are glad to have had so they could survive them and become the people they are, I feel it's a part of my history and personality that is in many ways useful to me. There are many aspects of it that I continue to have to negotiate, but I feel that I do that with some grace, at least.
You know, I thought of writing that - "never regret what made you who you are today" - but it seemed quite crass in this context. I'm really glad you realize that, though, because we are all the result of our histories and you are an extraordinary person because of yours.
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