The Living Centrifuge

Barbara quotation: "We're looking for the uncanny."

We started rehearsal yesterday, and I found myself warring against it. Not the process necessarily, but the work of it, and the fact that I didn't feel up to the challenge of being a raw emotional nerve for the next six weeks, and trying to remain afloat emotionally while Jay and Barbara get more and more stressed out and abusive of one another and the dancers. I just shut down and I was panicky about it, and telegraphing the shut down. And then we were dancing and my back got all ginchy and I was defensive about having Chris in the room. And I felt like I needed to have systems in place so that I'm not taking everything so personally, such that it inhibits my work.

Then I realised. I am a physically expressive performer. My good friend Jen just told me she wanted to partner me with a particular dancer when she gets me in the studio, because I'm so "warm", and this other dancer is a little cold. And the reason I'm here is because I want to increase my range of expression. So, no matter how difficult this process, it helps me to increase that range.