Thursday, February 23, 2006
Massage Boy
Look at this:
If I hadn't met and fallen in love with Ben, he wouldn't have suggested we have saix with others while I was away, and I would have, in all likelihood, not actively tried to meet boys while I was in town, which means I wouldn't have been on Manhunt, which means that I wouldn't have met Grant, which means that I wouldn't have made a really wonderful friend, with whom I have subsequently fallen in love.
This is a lovely man, from what I can tell. We talk well together, we're relaxed, we're friends, I like seeing him, I care about his well being, he cares about mine. It's also about right in terms of sex drive - I don't feel like I have to worry about him becoming concerned about my low sex drive, because his is pretty average too. When we do become intimate, it's spontaneous and surprising and pleasant, and doesn't have to end in climax, necessarily. It's also infrequent, which means that I look at him as a friend and human being, as opposed to this boyfriend beast that has all my projections about what a boyfriend beast should be. It's also surprising, because love for me is usually this coup de foudre, this immediate spark, and this has crept up on me. It's a new experience.
The thing is this: I don't think we can be boyfriends at this point. He doesn't feel ready to have a boyfriend. I, oddly, don't either. I think the break-up with Ben has farther reaching consequences than initially thought. I'm in a stage of life where I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around, probably for the next three to five years at least. I'm not sure that I'm boyfriend material, really. Can anyone actually stand being away from a partner for regular and protracted intervals? I am not sure. This is my fear of how other people will react to me, rearing its gly and persistent little head. Die, fear!
All this being said, I'd spend the rest of my life with Grant if he asked me to. But somehow, if he didn't want to do that I'd be okay with that too. The love permeates the relationship, whether we're calling him my boyfriend or not. It's more that I want him in my life from now on, and if the boyfriendy stuff like living together and sex is not a part of that, I don't really mind.
These are things I need to tell him. Ronya said that he knows I love him already. This may be true, but I want to tell him. He should know, explicitly. No matter what Ben did, I loved him (still do, somehow), and I should have told him, no matter how early it was. I was scared he would run away. But that's not mine to control. And it isn't here, either. Mine is only to be honest about what is happening. And here it is. I love him.
If I hadn't met and fallen in love with Ben, he wouldn't have suggested we have saix with others while I was away, and I would have, in all likelihood, not actively tried to meet boys while I was in town, which means I wouldn't have been on Manhunt, which means that I wouldn't have met Grant, which means that I wouldn't have made a really wonderful friend, with whom I have subsequently fallen in love.
This is a lovely man, from what I can tell. We talk well together, we're relaxed, we're friends, I like seeing him, I care about his well being, he cares about mine. It's also about right in terms of sex drive - I don't feel like I have to worry about him becoming concerned about my low sex drive, because his is pretty average too. When we do become intimate, it's spontaneous and surprising and pleasant, and doesn't have to end in climax, necessarily. It's also infrequent, which means that I look at him as a friend and human being, as opposed to this boyfriend beast that has all my projections about what a boyfriend beast should be. It's also surprising, because love for me is usually this coup de foudre, this immediate spark, and this has crept up on me. It's a new experience.
The thing is this: I don't think we can be boyfriends at this point. He doesn't feel ready to have a boyfriend. I, oddly, don't either. I think the break-up with Ben has farther reaching consequences than initially thought. I'm in a stage of life where I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around, probably for the next three to five years at least. I'm not sure that I'm boyfriend material, really. Can anyone actually stand being away from a partner for regular and protracted intervals? I am not sure. This is my fear of how other people will react to me, rearing its gly and persistent little head. Die, fear!
All this being said, I'd spend the rest of my life with Grant if he asked me to. But somehow, if he didn't want to do that I'd be okay with that too. The love permeates the relationship, whether we're calling him my boyfriend or not. It's more that I want him in my life from now on, and if the boyfriendy stuff like living together and sex is not a part of that, I don't really mind.
These are things I need to tell him. Ronya said that he knows I love him already. This may be true, but I want to tell him. He should know, explicitly. No matter what Ben did, I loved him (still do, somehow), and I should have told him, no matter how early it was. I was scared he would run away. But that's not mine to control. And it isn't here, either. Mine is only to be honest about what is happening. And here it is. I love him.
// posted by MSR @ 10:10 PM 
