Thursday, January 12, 2006
Well (Backdated to 26 December)
This is a post from 26 December that I wrote when I didn't have access to the internet on my own computer:
And I was doing so well. Well, it’s not like I’m suddenly plunged into depression, but for almost the whole time I’ve been here, I’ve thought very little about Ben. In fact, between 22 and 25 December I hadn’t thought about him at all. I’d been completely immersed in Christmas preparation, and in flirting with Majid, the boy who thinks I’m beautiful (let’s be honest, he’s a man – he’s 40). Then yesterday, I thought about him (Ben) when I was on the computer at my sister’s place, and was shocked by the thought. Shocked and pleasantly surprised that it had been so long since I’d thought about him. Then I had to get ready to return to my dad’s for Christmas, and I had a fun time. My dad’s friend with whom he had been out of contact for 15 years, and for whom he had been looking for the last 10 (and only contacted on 23 December) came to the festivities. So all was still well until this morning. And again, it’s not like I’m suddenly destroyed completely, but there is a little destruction that happens when I think on him fondly. I had to sit down in the shower. At least these are getting less frequent. I just have to remember that this was for the best. What I have to remember is that his character could not withstand the stress of a long distance relationship (a finite one!), and so it is a good thing that he is no longer for me. This is the dude who broke up with me over MSN messenger.
I saw an insipid show on love and romance, but there were some good things in it. One of those things was that romance is good, but it’s a mistake to proceed only on that. One must also really scrutinise the character of the lover – can you trust this person? Can you love him “sacrificially,” and can he do the same? These are useful questions for me. Anyway, let’s be honest. What do I want from Ben? Something that’s impossible. I want him not to have fallen for someone else. This requires a type of movement back and forth in time that, really, we can’t achieve. If he came to me now, I wouldn’t take him back.
But none of these perfectly logical, reasonable truths seem to be able to allay the regret that he was not the one. The fact that he went from a possible “one” in me, to another probable “one” in someone else also sucks.
And I was doing so well. Well, it’s not like I’m suddenly plunged into depression, but for almost the whole time I’ve been here, I’ve thought very little about Ben. In fact, between 22 and 25 December I hadn’t thought about him at all. I’d been completely immersed in Christmas preparation, and in flirting with Majid, the boy who thinks I’m beautiful (let’s be honest, he’s a man – he’s 40). Then yesterday, I thought about him (Ben) when I was on the computer at my sister’s place, and was shocked by the thought. Shocked and pleasantly surprised that it had been so long since I’d thought about him. Then I had to get ready to return to my dad’s for Christmas, and I had a fun time. My dad’s friend with whom he had been out of contact for 15 years, and for whom he had been looking for the last 10 (and only contacted on 23 December) came to the festivities. So all was still well until this morning. And again, it’s not like I’m suddenly destroyed completely, but there is a little destruction that happens when I think on him fondly. I had to sit down in the shower. At least these are getting less frequent. I just have to remember that this was for the best. What I have to remember is that his character could not withstand the stress of a long distance relationship (a finite one!), and so it is a good thing that he is no longer for me. This is the dude who broke up with me over MSN messenger.
I saw an insipid show on love and romance, but there were some good things in it. One of those things was that romance is good, but it’s a mistake to proceed only on that. One must also really scrutinise the character of the lover – can you trust this person? Can you love him “sacrificially,” and can he do the same? These are useful questions for me. Anyway, let’s be honest. What do I want from Ben? Something that’s impossible. I want him not to have fallen for someone else. This requires a type of movement back and forth in time that, really, we can’t achieve. If he came to me now, I wouldn’t take him back.
But none of these perfectly logical, reasonable truths seem to be able to allay the regret that he was not the one. The fact that he went from a possible “one” in me, to another probable “one” in someone else also sucks.
// posted by MSR @ 2:26 PM 
