Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Taking it Personally
I can't sleep so I'm sitting here with a cup of recently finished warm milk (I think I might heat up some more), having done some dull repetitive tasks like dish washing and general cleaning.
I'm noticing a pattern of mine, which is to become insular and reserved and removed and sullen when I get nervous. I think this is general, but specifically I'm noticing this around performing next week. I'm taking everything personally. Now of course, I don't live in a vacuum, so the other people around me are going through their process as well. On Wednesday, Barbara took a day away from rehearsal, and Jay led, which was fine. She came back yesterday with a lot more perspective, but she was I guess nervous enough to be taking it out on the dancers before that point, and I was reacting very gracelessly to this. I felt like she was playing one dancer against another - let's be honest: I thought she was favouring the other male dancer over me, and this brought me right back to the heady days of Joanne McLeod (my massively co-dependent skating coach). However, I was struggling (and will continue to struggle I think) with the fact that my reactions in this sort of situation are highly conditioned by the negative emotional training I received while skating (not just with Joanne - although she was my coach for the longest time). In all logic, I don't believe that someone like Barbara would play dancers against one another, because I think she's smarter than that. And if she actually is doing that, then I can choose not to play along. I'm not skating anymore, I am a smart man, and I have choices about how I act and react. As I say, yesterday was waaaaay better, so this sort of thing may not be an issue. However, it's useful for me as a tool to observe myself.
Anyway, c'est ca. I had relations with the Persian. Heh.
I'm noticing a pattern of mine, which is to become insular and reserved and removed and sullen when I get nervous. I think this is general, but specifically I'm noticing this around performing next week. I'm taking everything personally. Now of course, I don't live in a vacuum, so the other people around me are going through their process as well. On Wednesday, Barbara took a day away from rehearsal, and Jay led, which was fine. She came back yesterday with a lot more perspective, but she was I guess nervous enough to be taking it out on the dancers before that point, and I was reacting very gracelessly to this. I felt like she was playing one dancer against another - let's be honest: I thought she was favouring the other male dancer over me, and this brought me right back to the heady days of Joanne McLeod (my massively co-dependent skating coach). However, I was struggling (and will continue to struggle I think) with the fact that my reactions in this sort of situation are highly conditioned by the negative emotional training I received while skating (not just with Joanne - although she was my coach for the longest time). In all logic, I don't believe that someone like Barbara would play dancers against one another, because I think she's smarter than that. And if she actually is doing that, then I can choose not to play along. I'm not skating anymore, I am a smart man, and I have choices about how I act and react. As I say, yesterday was waaaaay better, so this sort of thing may not be an issue. However, it's useful for me as a tool to observe myself.
Anyway, c'est ca. I had relations with the Persian. Heh.
// posted by MSR @ 11:57 PM 
